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Hooked up with my roommate

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 30, 2012 08:30 AM

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We'll start with our youngest letter writer of the week ...


Q: Hello Meredith,

I'm writing because (of course) I have a major issue. I've been in college for about two years now and, as part of that package, I live with roommates. Now, one of those roommates I met before moving in together. We became really close friends and pretty soon, we moved in together. (I don't know if it's obvious but we're both guys.)

The problem arose when we started doing things like cuddling, making out, and just basically hitting every baseline without actually having sex. Recently I admitted my feelings for him.

Here's the fun part. Apparently, he never felt that way about me. All those little escapades were nothing more than physical to him. He told me that he thought I felt the same way, but I don't.

He's a really awesome friend so I don't want to put too much distance between us, and in spite of everything I don't want to lose that friendship. But since we live together, it's not like I can have much distance from him outside of locking myself in my room.

I'm just at a loss right now. My emotions are all over the place and I really don't know how to approach him or the situation. I want to get over this because I need to move on.

What should I do?

– Crushed by a Crush, Jacksonville


A: Your best bet is to spend time with a different circle of friends. Create a busy life outside of the apartment. Put a television in your room. You need space wherever you can find it, CBAC.

I understand that your roommate is probably a good guy. You say that he's "awesome," so I'll believe you. But I want you to admit that he wasn't awesome when he put your friendship at risk by getting physical, especially after you moved in together. He was reckless. So were you. But he knew his intentions (or lack thereof) from the start. You're allowed to be upset with him. You're allowed to take a step back.

You don't have to cut him out of your life, but please admit that things have changed. Mistakes were made. You got hurt.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to bounce back and become the perfect roommate/friend all over again. You can't speed up this process. Distance (especially the emotional kind) is necessary.

Readers? What can he do to make this better? Is his roommate a good guy? Should he move out? Is this a friendship worth saving? What was the friend thinking? Is it the letter writer's job to make this better? Help.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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