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She doesn't want people to think that we're dating

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 11, 2012 08:32 AM

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We received so many requests for self-help books yesterday. There are only about 30, so they went fast. If you're getting a book, you'll hear from me by the end of the week. Thanks to everyone who wrote me nice notes. They were fun to read.

We have a chat today at 1. And you can still join Love Letters on Pinterest.

In other news, this letter writer didn't give me his hometown. Let's pretend he's from ... wherever you live.


Q: There is a girl who I consider to be my closest friend in the world. Over the last three years we have spent a lot of time together and have had ups and downs in the friendship.

Last year I admitted to her that I had feelings for her, and unfortunately she didn't feel the same. We managed to work through it and now she's been in a relationship with a guy for a few months. I have been very supportive of her relationship and she and I are comfortable where we are as friends. We are certainly on the same page.

What I don't understand is why she gets uncomfortable and mad at me if people see us out in public and assume we are in a relationship. I tell her that it doesn't matter what people think. As long as we know what we are and aren't, that's all that matters. She doesn't feel that way. If someone assumes that we are dating, it really bothers her. However, it's not my fault what other people think, especially when I am not spreading false rumors that we are dating. I don't feel like I need to go up to everyone and tell them that we aren't dating. Instead of us laughing it off, it causes an argument between us. I care for her very much but I can't put up with this anymore.

– What should I do?


A: She sounds pretty immature and passive-aggressive, WSID. My guess is that she's freaking out because she feels guilty. If other people assume that you're a couple, does that mean that she's leading you on -- or betraying the guy she's actually dating? I'm pretty sure that she's angry at herself.

I want you to talk to her about this when she's not angry, when you're both relaxed and just hanging out alone. You can say, "Every time someone assumes that we're dating, you seem so upset, and I'm not sure what you want me to do about it. Why is it so important to you? What do you think we can do to prevent people from making assumptions about our relationship? Am I doing something to provoke your anger?"

I also want you to ask yourself a few questions when you're nice and calm. You say that you've come to terms with the nature of this relationship, but are you happy? Are you capable of dating other people? Do you want to?

This doesn't sound like a platonic friendship. I'm not sure what it is. When things are calm, find out.

Readers? Why does she get angry? Is this his fault? What do you think she'd tell us if she wrote a letter? Are we missing information here? Is he happy with this friendship? Help.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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