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Some August updates

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 10, 2012 09:00 AM

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Seems like a good day for updates, yes?

This one's from a recent letter about making a baby.

I cut him completely out of my life! He called a couple of times. I've ignored the calls and I am moving on. And it feels REALLY good! I have a couple of dates lined up that I'm looking forward to and hopefully, one of those will turn into what I've been looking for. Thanks for your help!

This letter writer, who had relationship issues, could use another pep talk, I think.

Hi Meredith,

After writing into you, things continued to get worse with my relationship. I didn't end it immediately although I should have. I confronted him a few times and asked if he would rather end it than work on it, and he said no, so I took his word for it. The problem was that he continued to not work on it. It all ended right before he was going away on vacation. He was telling me about his plans for the weekend before his trip (none of which had anything to do with spending time with me). I asked him if he was doing this on purpose or just to get to me. He said ... to get to me. That was my breaking point. It was that day that I told him to step it up or be out, and that was the day that he went to my house and took all of his things. It's been a few months since the break up and although I'm doing much better than I was when it first happened, this breakup (and him) consume the majority of my thoughts throughout the day.

I think the part I'm having trouble with is that our relationship started out great. I know I deserve someone better and that moving on and forgetting about him would be one of the best things I could do for myself, but I'm having a hard time with it. It doesn't help that I see him almost every day due to work circumstances and that I'm still in contact with his family (I love them!) I know, I know ... probably not the best idea ...

I shouldn't portray myself as someone who's sitting at home by myself every night with a box of tissues by my side. The bright side of this breakup is that I've had much more time to strengthen existing friendships, to make new friends, and to go to the gym regularly. One thing I know for sure is that I'll be on strike from dating for a while now!

Here's an update from a letter writer who got some.

I am the Almost-30-Year-Old-Virgin no more. I did it. It wasn't glamorous, or even sober, but I did it. There's a girl I've known for a while who has made it clear that she wanted get into bed with me, and she knew about my situation. We had made some grilled cheese sandwiches before, but I wouldn't let it progress past that. One night we went out for a drink and then straight back to my bedroom.

She's not really in a place to be starting a new relationship, so we haven't dated. We've hooked up a few more times, though, and I'm glad. I crossed over that threshold with someone who knew what was going on but wasn't going to be a long term partner, so that when the right girl does come along it's not going to be "a thing." We can let the relationship progress naturally and I'm not going to have to worry about explaining this to her.

Here's an update from a letter writer with Facebook issues.

I wrote in with my sister about confusion over our boyfriends keeping coupley pictures of exes on Facebook. FYI: My sister's boyfriend actually just wasn't over the ex in all the pictures -- oh well, she guessed it.

As for my relationship, my boyfriend actually read Love Letters and realized it was from me! I never suspected him to be a reader! We had a big laugh with our friends, and he took down ALL the pictures after seeing how I felt. But it turns out my boyfriend's harsh critics were more correct than I realized at the time; my boyfriend was having a hard time setting appropriate boundaries with an ex -- he felt obligated to try to remain friends with her because she was mentally unstable, not to mention very manipulative, and the Facebook pictures were the least of the problem, little did I know.

Long story short, it took a while to figure out, and we were both naive and made stupid errors (should've written back in!), but we worked through it with patience and understanding. Both of us have grown up a lot from the experience. We recently moved in together and are very happy and in love. I'm sure we still have a lot to learn, so wish us luck. His ex is no longer in contact, but we heard through a mutual friend that she's well and happy in a new relationship, so that's good too. So per the 1-armed guy on "Arrested Development," THAT's why you take down coupley pictures of your ex on Facebook.

And here's an updater from an updater who dated someone with a disappearing act.

My ex, Houdini, and I broke up almost two years ago, and when I last updated you in November 2010 I was going through the healing process. I came out on the other side a happier, more confident, and healthier version of myself. I dropped 20 lbs, ran my first few 5Ks, focused on what I wanted out of my life, and, most importantly, I met the man of my dreams.

We met through an online dating site and hit it off literally from the moment we met. We have been together a year now, are moving in together next month, and could not be more in love! I had always tried to keep my naturally romantic nature in check ("life is not a Nicholas Sparks movie," etc.), and at 31 years old, felt like I was being left behind by all of the friends in my life who had fallen in love and were starting families. But I can now count myself among the lucky people to have met my best match. He is kind, funny, driven, loving, and makes me want to be a better person. This is the first time that I feel like I can be completely honest about how I am feeling at any given moment, and from the very first day, I have never wondered how he felt about me. He's not perfect and neither am I, but we are perfect together.

My advice to anyone who feels like they will never meet someone is to focus on you, be your best self and don't settle. The waiting is difficult and it can feel like you are all alone. But there is a match for everyone and finding them will be well-worth the wait!

Thanks!
Happy In Love (formerly Houdinis ExGirl, formerly Crazed and Confused)


And here's an update from someone who had trouble with ambivalence.

I wrote about an ambivalence problem with someone I was seeing a couple of months ago.

I wanted to take your advice and talk to her about it, but for a stretch of time she was avoiding me, so I didn't have that chance. She was avoiding me because she said she needed space after she found out I had a date with someone else. Her strong reaction was yet another mixed message.

Around that time, I had been dating here and there, and finally opened up enough to consider someone as an alternative to Ms. Ambivalent. One woman in particular seemed promising and we saw each other a number of times. Just to get resolution from prior entanglements, I told Ms. A that I was going to be exclusive with this new person. Once I told her that, she paid a lot more attention to me, with lots of emails and text messages. We got together maybe two more times after that, both times platonically.

Eventually I told Ms. A that I still had feelings for her. She said the same thing to me, which shocked me. However, I feel like I've moved on and am putting the whole episode behind me. As Ms. A and I have talked more, it's become clear that she sends mixed messages to basically everyone in her life, including herself. She's not ready to date, yet she's active on a dating site; she wants to get away from her ex, but still has frequent contact, etc. Dating her would be a nightmare. Even if she and I started dating, she would still be thinking constantly about her ex, probably still seeing him from time to time. She'd be confusing about practically everything because of the messages she sends.

I completely lost my head over her for a while there, and now feel like I've gotten it screwed back on, more or less properly. It was a dark experience (and not just because of the ambivalence), and I am incredibly grateful to the people who helped me get out of it, you included Ms. Goldstein.

Yeah, that one made me cry a little. :) See you Monday.

- Meredith

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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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