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Am I allowed to move on?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 10, 2012 08:34 AM

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Q: I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is my absolute best friend and I adore him. We live together and for the most part have a wonderful relationship. Here's the problem: We have a non-existent sex life!

To me, this is not something I can overlook. I want to feel desired. If I bring this up to him (which I have many times), he makes a joke or shrugs me off. I'm so fed up and don't know what to do. I can't picture my life without him, but at this point he's more of a friend than anything. I feel that the only reason we're still together is that we've already been together this long. It's just convenient.

To make it even more complicated, I recently met a guy quite randomly and we hit it off and have become fast friends. I have unbelievable chemistry with the new guy and can see myself with him easily, which makes me realize what I'm missing. When I think about the new guy, I am happy and relaxed as opposed to stressed and dissatisfied at home.

I know my boyfriend is a catch and that I should feel lucky, but I feel that we're just not compatible anymore. I guess I feel guilty about my needs/wants. Is sex (or lack of) enough of a reason to call it quits? I'm confident that it will not change. Should I try, try, try some more or salvage what friendship is still intact between us and move on?

– Sadly Unsatisfied, Boston


A: Is sex (or lack of) enough of a reason to call it quits?

Yes. Absolutely. There's no need to drag this out. You're already shopping for a new partner.

You say that you adore your boyfriend, but you've made it clear that you're "just not compatible anymore." The end.

My advice is to prepare yourself for some loneliness because you will lose your boyfriend's friendship during this breakup. Your routine will be destroyed. You'll need to find a new home.

Please make sure that you have platonic friends who can help you (and maybe house you) as you take these big steps. And whatever you do, don't use the new guy as your support system during this process. He's not really a friend. You're lining him up for more.

Readers? Does she really adore her boyfriend? Does this new crush have potential? Does anyone think she should stay in her relationship? Is this really just about the sex? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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