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He called off the wedding

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 19, 2012 08:36 AM

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Q: Hi,

My fiance and I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years, engaged for 3. We were ready to get married in a few months when he confronted me about my attraction to him.

I told him honestly that I wasn't attracted to him anymore and he called off the wedding. I told him that the loss of attraction is normal for couples and that we could work it out, but now he is questioning our entire relationship. He says that at this point, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He says he questions his love for me and mine for him.

I admit that during our relationship, I haven't communicated with him as I should have, but I have started going to counseling to work on my issues of self-esteem, negativity, and communication. He feels as though he's been putting so much into the relationship (and that I haven't been doing my part) that he is burned out. I feel as though it's still too early for him to honestly decide if he wants to be in a relationship.

I have tried to tell him that couples counseling would be best to help us sort out our feelings clearly, but he is unwilling to go. He is only open to going to my therapy to have the psychologist tell me that he doesn't want a relationship anymore. I am working on myself, and am ready to give my all into saving our relationship. I don't want to lose everything that we have shared, and I told him that all I want is one last chance.

– Frustrated and Lost, Las Vegas


A: If he's open to going to your therapist, take him, FAL. That's your fiance's best offer and you just can't force him to do more right now.

You told your partner of 10 years that you're just not attracted to him anymore. It seems pretty fair that he decided to cancel the wedding and re-consider his options. He's putting himself first. I can't say I blame him.

You're in a state of transition. You might discover in therapy that you don't want to get married, at least not to your fiance. You might decide that you need some space to figure out what makes you happy, and that you waited three years for this wedding because it wasn't something that you could ever be sure about. Don't beg your fiance for a life together until you're sure that you want it.

Continue the therapy. Bring him along. Be honest with yourself about what's best for both of you.

I know that sex ebbs and flows in relationships, but you're telling us that you're not attracted to the guy you planned to marry. That's a pretty big deal. You should want more for yourself, and he has every reason to want to walk away.

Readers? Do they need couples therapy? Should the letter writer ask the fiance to stay? Should people be attracted to each other after a decade? What about their other issues? What's happening here? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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