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His profile is active

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 17, 2012 08:35 AM

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Q: Hello,

I have been dating a guy I met on online for about a month and a half now. We have gone out about eight times or so. We hit it off right away and he was always the one to plan the next date and ask when he can see me again. One evening, we started talking about whether we're dating other people. He said he wasn't dating anyone else and didn't plan on it either, that he liked me a lot and wanted to see where things would go. We even discussed going away for the weekend in a few weeks.

I still have an active subscription to the dating website even though I blocked my account so I wasn't "active." I know I shouldn't have done it, but out of curiosity, I went onto the dating website and checked out his profile. It shows that he has been active on the site, fairly frequently actually.

I know we haven't been seeing each other very long but I guess I don't like to think I am developing feelings for someone only to be let down.

Am I wasting my time with this? Am I a filler while he continues to shop for the next best thing? What is the "protocol" with all of this online dating stuff?!

– To Date or Not to Date, NH


A: I can't read his mind or pretend to understand his intentions, but I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about the website. Maybe he logged in because he was bored. Maybe he was on the site to see what you had done with your profile.

Honestly, if you had met this guy through friends or at a bar, you'd have no idea how he represents himself when you're not there. You need to focus on how you feel when you're with him and whether the relationship seems to be growing.

If things continue to go well and you're at the point where you've stopped counting dates, feel free to ask him what he's done with his profile. Online daters almost always have to have this chat. It's awkward, but it's kind of inevitable. There's no protocol, so we have to ask specific questions.

For the record, I don't think that you're a "filler." You're just in a new relationship. You're both figuring out whether you actually want each other. Online or offline, there are no guarantees.

Readers? Should she talk to him about his profile? If so, when and how? Should they be discussing exclusivity this early? Should he have his profile hidden? Help.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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