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I dislike my friend's boyfriend

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 21, 2012 06:51 AM

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This is barely a Love Letter, but I've received a few of these lately, so it seemed worth addressing.


Q: Dear Meredith,

One of my best friends in the city has been dating her boyfriend for a little over a year. Since they began their relationship, I have seen less and less of her. If I see her at all, they're usually together. It also seems to me like her personality has completely changed. I find her boyfriend obnoxious and a bit rude, and I don't particularly enjoy spending time with the two of them. They have also recently moved in together, and they act like an elderly couple.

She is constantly trying to get me to do things with the two of them (I went to an event with the two of them a few months ago and their behavior was revolting), or get me to hang out with her boyfriend as two friends might (I mentioned a group I had joined and she wants her boyfriend to start going).

I feel like I've lost my best friend to a boyfriend, but not for the better. I know I sound like I'm coming off as bitter, but other friends of mine have mentioned they feel the same way. I have confronted her before, but it didn't seem to work. Should I face that I may have lost my besty forever to this guy I can barely tolerate, or is there something more I can do?

Help!

– Frustrated Friend, Medford


A: Your besty has changed, FF. There's not much you can do about it. You've already confronted her and nothing got better.

My advice is to treat her like a relative. She's someone you love even though she's driving you crazy. See her when you can. And when you do make plans with her, tell her that you want it to be just the two of you, for bonding purposes. She should be able to honor that kind of specific request.

Friendships ebb and flow just like romantic relationships. And while I truly believe that we need friends even more than we need romantic partners, our friendships tend to change when we introduce a third party into the mix, even if that third party is someone we like.

She should be doing her best to make sure that her friends are comfortable. She's not doing much of anything, is she? All you can do in return is to smile, be nice, and protect yourself.

I've learned the hard way that it's just not worth getting aggressive about your distaste for a friend's significant other. You can voice concerns and discuss your needs, but you can't say, "That guy is wrong," unless the guy in question is legitimately abusive or a criminal ... or other bad things. You just have to be polite and keep your distance.

Also know that your besty might come back. Relationships end. Old friends become new friends. For now, let things evolve and keep your other friends close.

Readers? Is she just bitter or has she been wronged here? Should she be happy that her friend is so happy? Should she talk to her friend about this again? Is this the end of their friendship? How do you deal with your friends' significant others? Discuss.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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