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Can I convince him to have a kid?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  October 10, 2012 07:16 AM

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Chat day.


Q: I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I can't imagine life without him. He is everything I could ask for -- except for the fact he does not want any more kids.

He has two children from a previous marriage (11 and 13), and I have none. There is a 15-year age gap between us and he thinks he is too old to have any more children. (He is 45 I am 30.) When we started dating I did mention I never wanted kids. Since then my outlook has changed. I'm so in love with him and his kids now that I want to start our own family. He is an amazing father and I adore his kids to pieces. They have expressed interest in having a baby sibling. We have had many discussions about this and although he has never come out directly and said he doesn't want more kids, I just have this feeling he is stalling so he doesn't have to say it. I know deep down he would love one but is so concerned out our age difference and him being too old to raise another child.

How do I convince him that he would be an amazing father to another child and to not worry about our age difference??

– Kids, Mass.


A: He's either scared of having another kid or he just doesn't want one. Ask him if it's A or B, because if it's B, the conversation is pretty much over.

You can't convince a 45-year-old with two kids that he should have more kids. If he doesn't want to start over, it's legit. He certainly understands the process. Keep in mind that he fell for you believing that you shared his plan for the future. We're allowed to change our minds in relationships, but that's often why we break up.

You need to ask the very specific question -- "Do you want to have more children?" -- and then decide what to do if he says no. It's time for some clarity. No more guessing and talking around the issue.

No matter what he says, please don't lobby him by telling him that his kids want another sibling. They're 11 and 13. They probably also want One Direction tickets and new TVs in their bedrooms. It's nice that they're open to change, but at the end of the day, they just want happy parents.

Go get a definitive answer. He has one for you. You just have to hear it and accept it, whatever it is.

Readers? Is this about his age or about not wanting kids? Can she convince him to have one if he's on the fence? Should she have a kid with someone with these concerns? What if he just doesn't know what he wants? Help.


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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