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I can't forgive

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 29, 2012 08:41 AM

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This letter was about twice as long when it came in. I think I kept the most important stuff. But know that I did drop a reference to "Pride and Prejudice."


Q: Dear Meredith,

I am a Bostonian born and bred, went to college there, and stayed to work and study until I moved to Europe for another degree.

At the end of my first year in Europe, I met a slightly older guy, let's call him David, who was in a position of authority at my school. The first time I was in the same room with him, before words were spoken, he was just oozing a sort of "Lady Chatterley's Lover" sexiness. We worked very closely together for a few weeks and he made it abundantly clear that he was interested in me. He also had a girlfriend and a reputation of cheating. I convinced myself, and everyone else within shouting distance, that I hated him. He ended those weeks by taking up with somebody else, behind the girlfriend's back. He was a worm. He moved away but kept up a sort of long-distance thing with this new girl.

During the year after David left, I began to analyze my strong feelings of dislike. If I disliked him so much, why was I always looking at pictures of him on Facebook? Eventually, he returned for academic reasons and we were working together again in a large group. We spent weeks staying up late together talking about how he needed to work on his moral compass and his current relationship. I was acting like a counselor because there was no way I was going to let him use me as an overlap-girl too. But eventually he disclosed his feelings and kissed me. I told him that he had to call the girlfriend and dump her. Immediately. He did.

The next year was like a fairy tale. We moved in together and got engaged after a year and a half. Our family and friends were thrilled. He had his suit and groomsmen, we had a wedding website, and flowers had been ordered. And then he dumped me.

Yes, it was like that. He said, "I cannot get married, we won't make each other happy." We'd been together for more than three years. The notion of heart-broken and sad that I had from books and movies bore no similarities to my despair. I was just full of anger. Bitter, nasty, hateful anger. And then, months later, he changed his mind. He pleaded and begged, but insisted he had good reasons to end it in the first place. I told him I'd take him back but that it would be a process. The anger took about three months to begin to diminish. The bitterness lingers.

The passion is maybe half what it was. The dreams of the future are about 20 percent. The idea of moving in together and getting married is not on the table yet. The idea of him getting a job far away seems appealing. It's been a year since he asked for me back. I am trying, we are trying, but I am not the same person I used to be. I have told him everything I am thinking, all of my misgivings, not all of which he likes to hear.

Finally, here is my question: Am I nuts to think this will morph into something as good as it was before? That my bitterness and independence could possibly turn back into love and a desire to be together? My mother tells me that I must "get over it" because he's the one. He tells me I need to make up my mind, not as an ultimatum, but because he can't believe that I could still not be ready to start over, or move back in together, after a year. I'm still in it because of what it was, because of how I felt, because of how life-changing it was to meet him. Is the girl I was gone forever and this is as happy as I will ever be?

– Bostonian Abroad


A: If you're still feeling this negative about him after a year, you both deserve a break, BA. You've made it quite clear that you took a huge leap of faith when you started dating him the first time around. Then he went and did everything you feared he would do. You say that you're not the person you used to be. You need time alone to figure out who you are now.

For the record, I don't think that you're incapable of happiness, but you might be incapable of finding it with him. If "the idea of him getting a job far away seems appealing," you must really want some space.

Sometimes a temporary breakup can change a relationship for the better, but that's not what happened here. Your relationship didn't grow. You didn't reunite with some new understanding of each other's needs.

I understand that your mom wants you to be happy, but there is no "one." There's just you and your choices. If this isn't evolving into a deeper love the second time around, please allow yourself to walk.

Readers? Am I right? Is her mom right? Why did he end things? Why isn't this working the second time around? Is his past relevant? Can she make this work?


– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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