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Should I let go?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 16, 2012 08:29 AM

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Q: I have been dating a guy for the past year and he recently called to let me know that he doesn't think it's working. A little info about why I feel torn:

This past summer he decided to take a leave of absence from work. There were no discussions (not that it's my business), but we had been discussing moving in together, etc. I was a bit taken aback by his decision. Long story short, he went back to work, but was eventually let go. I have a little resentment toward him because of that, because he was in a great job and he has a child to consider (again not my child, not my issue) but I figured he would at least discuss it before making such a rash decision without thinking it through.

My own child is special needs and I've been dealing with some parenting issues lately that have taken up much of my time. I haven't really seen the guy (I mean that in every way) in about two months, but we do the daily talks, etc. I get that he missed me and that I wasn't spending as much time with him as I could have, but I needed to focus on the problem at hand.

I know I could have made an effort in seeing him, but between my issue with my child and thinking this guy did a dumb thing with his job, we just kind of grew apart. We started arguing over the most trivial things. I do love him and I know he loves me.

I still want to be with him and at least work on the issues, but he doesn't. He doesn't want a relationship but he wants me to remain "close friends." What the heck does that mean?

I'm really torn about this and wanted to ask if I should just consider it a wash and move on. Am I wrong for wanting to at least try?

– Torn, South of Boston


A: There's no reason to be "close friends" with this person, Torn. Please tell him that platonic friendship just isn't an option right now.

My gut tells me that he's being honest about not wanting a relationship. Sure, he was angry that you disappeared on him, but all of this started when he made a quick (and very important) decision without taking you into consideration. You were just starting to make serious plans together and he went off on his own. You had every right to be upset.

You're looking for some stability, but he's just not capable. You mention that his choices (and his child) aren't your business. It doesn't sound like you guys were really on a path to a shared life.

My advice is to make your terms clear. You want a partner. If he's not interested, you're gone.

It's time to allow yourself to go look for what you really want.

Readers? Is this a wash? Should he have talked to her about the job? Did she kill this by keeping him away for two months? What happened here? Help.



– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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