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Confused by an ex

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 20, 2012 08:45 AM

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Q: I have a problem. For about a year I was dating a guy who told me he loved me and did all the right things. We went for walks, he made me dinner, lit candles, gave me massages, etc. Then he kind of lost it. He only called me for sex and was never available for anything else. So I told him no and left him alone. I wanted a relationship, not just a hook up.

A little while after, I started seeing this other guy. Very nice, considerate, and a little romantic. Not anything like the first one, but he's OK. Recently, the first guy started calling me and invited me over. I went and accidentally ended up sleeping with him. He said he misses me and wants us to go back to how we used to be.

I would really like to believe in that, but I think he's just missing the sex. The new guy obviously doesn't know anything about this situation and I really don't know what to do. Should I play both ends to see if the first guy is serious or should I let them both know the situation? Or do something in between?

– Torn Lover


A: You can't "play both ends." And please don't tell these guys that you're basically testing them to see who's better.

At the end of the day, you think the new guy is just "OK." You just don't seem very into him, and he certainly wasn't on your mind enough to stop you from sleeping with old guy. Let him go.

As for old guy, it might be worth a talk -- at a restaurant, where you can't fall into bed. You had a good relationship for a while, and I don't want you to have any what-ifs. Hear him out and then go with your gut. Was the romance really dead? Had you just fallen into a routine? What does he want from you now? My gut tells me you need to start over without either of these men, but I have to wonder whether you're oversimplifying what happened with your ex.

I do wish I knew how long the new guy has been around, but it sort of doesn't matter. You're just not in. And you have too many questions about the ex. Get them answered.

Readers? Should she tell these guys what she's been up to? Should she ditch the ex -- or the new guy? Or both? Do the what-ifs bother you? Are we missing information about the year with the ex? Help.



– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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