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I kicked her out

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 3, 2012 08:30 AM

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Q: Dear Meredith,

Where to start? Well, I was in a long relationship (10.5 years, married for 4) that ended a few years ago. I'm still in my early 30s. She was the only girl I ever said I love you to, and I thought that we would always be together. We broke up because I wanted kids one day and she didn't, and we weren't going to use the years together as an excuse not to break up.

I recently found out that she just had a baby, which is fine. I understand people have the right to change their minds, including myself. But it crushed me emotionally to have heard that. I've also reverted back to my old ways of just dating multiple girls. If things even get a bit serious, I stop it and move on to the next. My problem is, I met a great person. We'd been going out for about a year, and she was living with me for a short period of time. I got really scared and kicked her out. The thing is, that's not what I really wanted and now she says that our breakup is "irrevocable." She won't even respond to any of my emails or calls. I am truly sorry and just want her to know how I really feel. Is there any chance of reconciliation?

– You Can't Hurry Love?, Burlington


A: If you've apologized and explained how you feel (in writing) and she still won't respond, let her go. You kicked her out of your house. I can understand why she doesn't want to come back. (I can only imagine what you said to her when you asked her to leave.)

My advice is to talk to someone (throwing the therapy card!) about your recent breakup and about how you're coping with the loss of your ex. I'm not convinced that your first big breakup has anything to do with why you dismissed this new woman, but you believe it does, which means you want to talk it out.

For the record, you shouldn't make any assumptions about your ex. You have no idea what went into her decision to have a child and how she feels about her choices. You also shouldn't make assumptions about yourself. You're single for the first time after a 10-year relationship. It's OK if you want to date a bunch of people. You're obviously capable of more. I mean, you stayed with this most recent woman for a year.

The only red flag here is that you "kicked her out." Go talk to a therapist about what that means. And again, if you've already sent this recent woman an appropriate apology, respect her wishes and let her go. That's all you can do.

Readers? Did the letter writer breakup with this new woman because of the ex? Is it wrong for the LW to date multiple women? Do you think the LW actually wants to be with her? What happened here? Discuss.



– Meredith


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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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