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Should she reach out to an ex over the holidays?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  December 21, 2012 08:21 AM

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Former letter writers: Please send an update for the holidays. Email me from your original address so I know it's you.

Also, someone asked if we can have a poll. I'm trying a very simple one today (at the bottom of the letter). Let's see if it works.


Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been in love with one guy for the past 12 years. To me, he is the love of my life, my first love, and, well, everything else. We dated for six years when we were younger (both in our mid 20s now), and since then have been off and on. There have been summer flings here and there, and we always reconnect like magnets when we are both single. We have also been in other serious relationships, dated other people, and moved.

We reconnected again most recently this past summer. He ended a serious relationship and I have been single for the past couple of years. As soon as we were back together, it seemed right. I thought, "Wow, this is it this is actually going to work this time." We have always been a pair that friends say will be married one day, are meant to be, and all that good stuff.

But after this summer, he found out he had to move away for work for six months. In the few weeks leading up to that, he had mentioned visiting me in Boston and wanting to see me before he left. Well, that did not happen. What happened was that he stopped talking to me all together, picked up, and moved for work. My friends have told me not to reach out to him, to let it go, and move on. Problem is, I'm having a really hard time moving on. I constantly think about him, want to reach out to him, and although it might not happen, figure out what is going on.

With the holidays coming up and the possibility of him being home, I'm unsure what to do. Do I reach out to him and see how he is, and if he'll be home?? Is this a lost cause and something I need to let go? Do I follow all those corny sayings, "What's meant to be will be?" Please help.

– First Love, Boston


A: I'm with your friends on this one. They used to tell you that you might marry this guy, but now they're advising you to move on. They know what's up.

Why hasn't this oh-so-wonderful ex checked in to see what you're doing on Christmas? Why didn't he communicate with you -- even as a friend -- when he went away?

You return to each other when you're single because it's safe and easy, not because you're soul mates. You say you're magnets, but I say you're placeholders.

Let him become a part of your past. Get through the holidays and spend time with people who actively care about how you're doing every day.

It's never easy to let go of your first love, but the feelings will fade if you let them. He's not the love of your life, I swear. He's just the love of your early 20s.

Readers? What's happening here? Should she reach out? Why did he disappear? Will he contact her eventually? Can she get answers about what happened this summer?



– Meredith




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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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