Q: Dear Meredith,
I was raised in the Boston suburbs, traveled abroad, lived in Boston, and then moved to California for a new adventure. I am 30 and I have lived in California for the last six years. There are many things that I absolutely love about living here. I love my boyfriend and the life that we have created together. We have been dating for three years and I moved into his house this past spring. I truly believe that I have found the person I want to spend my life with. The dilemma is, I've recently been having second thoughts about being so far away from my parents and friends back home. My boyfriend is almost 10 years older, has a great job, owns his house, and has an amazing little boy. (Just a side note, his son does not live with us, he lives a flight away). I have approached the topic about moving back one day and he's not really on board. His approach is, "let's just see what happens and where life takes us." As you can see, my boyfriend is a true California guy, and I really don't see him making the move. I know I should trust him and us, but I am having a hard time knowing that we are not exactly on same page with such a big decision. What to do when your heart is on two different coasts?
– Coastal, CA
A: This guy isn't going to move to Boston. You know that. But he might be willing to spend some extra time in Boston every summer. That's the kind of compromise you need to be looking for.
You've fallen for an older guy who is quite settled. And as you put it, you love the life you've created together. That life is in California.
My guess is that you're freaking out because after six months, the cohabitation feels real. That's understandable.
The most productive thing to do is to talk to your boyfriend about planning more East Coast visits. Also discuss how you can better bridge the distance between your new life and your past. Does he have any solutions? It'll help if you brainstorm together. Talk about everything -- from holidays to what would happen if there was an East Coast emergency.
That seems to be what you need -- assurance that your world is still a priority, even after the move-in. Have that conversation and get the validation you need. Then try to enjoy yourself. This move-in is new. You have to give yourself (and your boyfriend) some time to adjust.
Readers? If the letter writer wants to move home, will this relationship work? Do you think the LW wants to come back to Boston? Is this about the move-in? How do you deal with a bi-coastal life? What about the boyfriend's son? Help.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.