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He said my friend looked hot

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 25, 2013 08:47 AM

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Q: I just got married. My husband and I are expecting and are four months along. The pregnancy thankfully hasn't taken over my body entirely just yet, however due to severe morning sickness and lack of energy, my normal exercise routine has been non-existent and much of my muscle is gone. I look more like a female figure from an 18th century painting than my normal, trim self.

Due to my recent physical changes and emotional fluctuations, I admit I have been quite sensitive. Just not feeling all too secure overall.

That being said, I want to know if I am being an oversensitive "girl" or if my husband is just being a "guy." Is my husband's following comment a typical guy comment, or am I correct to feel taken aback and hurt by it, even to the point where I feel my protective instincts kicking in and emotionally distancing myself from him, wondering if this is setting the tone for our marriage?

Basically what he said was that at our wedding, his brother said that a friend of mine looked "hot." I then mentioned that another relative of mine commented on this same friend, asking about her and saying she looked cute. My husband then proceeded to say, "Yeah, she did look hot that night."

I'm sorry, but I am pregnant, not feeling all too sexy, and just married at this point, and he said this woman looked hot. OK, fantasy maybe, but I think every woman wants to feel like the princess on her wedding day. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it took six years for him to even get off the pot and I always sensed a slight attraction on his part to this friend. His comment didn't make me feel in the least bit good. I know I am responsible for my feelings and self-confidence, but I felt his comment was slightly damaging. The other problem is that I can't let it go. In my mind, it's somewhat jaded my memories of that night, which at the time felt like one of the best times of my life.

Meredith, am I being an overly sensitive preggo?

– Plump, preggo and pensive, Boston


A: You are being an oversensitive preggo, PPP.

Actually, I'm not so sure if your feelings about this have anything to do with the pregnancy. You sound more like an oversensitive bride.

Your husband noticed that one of your friends looked hot at your wedding. Who cares? He didn't say, "Boy, she was so much hotter than you." He didn't say, "Wow, I wish you looked like her." It was your special day, but other people were there. I'm sure he noticed the food and music, too. Same thing.

If your husband were really into this friend and had fantasies about being with her instead of you, he wouldn't feel comfortable telling you that she looked hot. He should be allowed to chat with you like a pal. Trust me, you don't want him to start censoring himself because of your sensitivity. That would be horrible for your marriage.

The bigger issue here is your anger about the six years/getting off the pot. You need to let that go. You're married now with a baby on the way. He's in. It’s time to focus on the present.

Readers? Is she being oversensitive? Is this about pregnancy hormones? Why is she insecure? What about the six years? Was it a "guy" comment? Is there something bigger going on here? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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