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I wasn't invited

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  February 13, 2013 08:13 AM

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I don't know where this letter writer is from. So let's say ... Hingham.


Q: To make a long story short, my boyfriend Luke and I have been together for nearly two years, we've been living together for a year and a half, and we definitely have our problems. There has been cheating on both ends (one time each), he interrupts me a lot, I have a temper, and once I pushed him because he ditched me on New Year's Eve. Despite this, we have worked through the majority of our issues, and when things are good, they are *really* good. We both know that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together and intend on getting engaged later this year.

That being said, he has complained about me to his friends to the point where I am not welcome around them. He sees these people on a weekly basis, ditched me this past Christmas/New Year’s Eve to see them, and has told me he didn't want me around them until our relationship had improved. Well, now that it has, I have been making a real effort to get involved with his group. I apologized to his friends for any hard feelings or misunderstandings in the past, and made it clear that having the support of our family and friends is important to me. His friends seemed to be very receptive and I thought everything was cleared up.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend is at a wedding for his best friend -- the ring leader of the group -- to which I was not invited. I understand not being invited, as invitations went out before we had our little talk, but last night my boyfriend was told that there is an after-party at the groom's house, and the bride doesn't want me there because I'm not her friend. I think it is incredibly rude not to include me in this, as I am in a long-term, committed relationship with one of the groomsmen (and we live together!). This is ridiculous. We're all in our mid-late 20s and early 30s. How am I expected to be friends with these people if I'm constantly being told I'm not welcome, all because my boyfriend complained about me too much? He refused to press the issue, because he didn't want to cause drama on their wedding day, but if someone was that disrespectful to Luke, I wouldn't even *go* to the event! Despite some of the things that Luke has said/done to me, my friends know where the line is. I might vent to them, but they know not to speak ill of him in front of me. How can I make my boyfriend see that his friends are being disrespectful and that it is *not* appropriate for him to let his friends act that way toward me?

– Accepting Friends


A: You need to let the wedding stuff go, AF. All bets are off when it comes to weddings. If the marrying couple doesn't want you at an event, you just have to suck it up and smile. It's their party.

You and Luke were in a different place when this couple organized their celebration. I know we're talking about an after-party, but even the after-parties at weddings can be highly-scheduled, overly-planned events. Luke is right. No need to cause drama.

My only advice is to give this time. You and Luke made decisions about your relationship based on many discussions, but his friends need time to catch up. If you guys are known for causing problems, you might have to prove yourself before you get invited to big gatherings. Luke might have to show his friends that he's happy and that he wants you around. You might have to invite these friends to your house to make it clear that you want them in your life.

You also have to give Luke space. Even if you were on great terms with his friends, he'd probably want to see them without you once a week or so. You don't have to be together all the time.

I'm not going to get into your previous mistakes and make judgments about whether you and Luke have a future. That's a different letter. All I'll say is that you have to have patience. These events are not all about you and Luke. You have no right to demand to be at someone's wedding or after-party, at least not yet. For now, just enjoy being happy with Luke. If the happiness continues, people will notice.

Readers? Should Luke be ditching her for his friends? Do they have to invite her to things? Will this ever get better? What if it doesn't? What is Luke's responsibility here? What about the wedding? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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