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Should I go to his wedding?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  February 28, 2013 08:43 AM

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Q: Ten years ago, I developed a crush on a guy in college who I was friends with, but never pursued a romantic relationship. I thought after college I would lose interest or someone better would come along. But I kept up hope (or obsession with a fantasy I created) that things would change. We have kept in contact over the years with few e-mails, and get together once in a while. A couple of years ago I found out he was seriously dating someone, and I knew right away that she would probably be "the one" for him. And I was right. He proposed to her this past fall. Their wedding is next month. How do I know? I've been invited to the ceremony. The question is ... do I attend this memorable day? Can I attend alone? Will this give me closure or invoke a pity party for myself?

– Trying to find closure at a wedding, Iowa


A: You admit that you wrote your own narrative with this one, TTFCAAW. You developed a crush and then invented a fantasy. It's time to rewrite that mess of fiction in your head. Non-fiction can be quite liberating.

If the wedding is affordable, please go -- and yes, go alone. Don't think of it as your crush's big wedding. It's just a great party that celebrates your friend's big step. You'll probably wind up seeing some old acquaintances at the reception and having some fun on the dance floor. And you never know -- the wedding might be a great opportunity to meet people.

This guy has always been a placeholder, just someone to think about while you were waiting for someone else. You never pursued this relationship. You liked the fantasy more than reality. I believe that you're capable of creating a new storyline that involves you being this guy's friend, laughing about your old crush, and finding someone brand new who thinks you're fantastic.

Don't think of the wedding as closure or a potential pity party. It's just reality. How you celebrate that reality is up to you. You're in charge of your own story.

Readers? Should she go to the wedding? Should she think of it as closure? Is this a legit crush or just fiction? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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