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He disappeared

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 13, 2013 08:41 AM

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We chat at 1.


Q: Dear Meredith,

I am 25 and have been seeing someone for several months who is 27 and lives a long drive away with his parents. He works in Boston and we see each other after work during the week. He started coming on pretty strong and telling me how he was falling for me and was not seeing anyone else. It took me a while to admit I felt the same for him, but recently I finally admitted that to him.

He has never been a planner (similar to earlier "Not A Planner"), so I made the compromise with him that as long as he told me what day we were hanging out ahead of time, I would keep the night open and then we could play it by ear. At first I never saw him on the weekend and was fine with that, but as we got more serious I wanted to -- and he wanted me to meet his parents! But whenever he would ask me to come home with him for the weekend, I would already have plans for one of the days so it never worked out.

He went MIA one night we tentative had plans and instead wanted to see me the next day. I was frustrated with his non-planning and annoyed. I told him I was frustrated and had been looking forward to seeing him. At first I did not agree to see him the next day, but cooled down and eventually told him I would see him if he let me know by lunch time exactly what our plans were for that evening. He never responded to my text message and did not return my phone call and voicemail message to talk. He just fell off the radar. It has been 2 weeks since he blew me off, and I am not sure exactly what went wrong with our relationship, which I thought was going pretty well.

I feel like he will never explain to me why he is now ignoring me and he is clearly not interested anymore. I cannot stop wondering what went wrong. Is he is seeing someone else? Did he freak out because we were moving too fast? Was he too stressed out with work and couldn't deal with the stress of me getting frustrated with him? I want to move on and forget about him, but it's hard because we did not have closure and he is blatantly ignoring me. How do I move on with no closure? We have some mutual friends and will probably run into each other eventually, how do I handle that situation? Should I confront him if I run into him or push it under the rug and be friends with him?

– Need Closure, Boston


A: I don't believe in closure, but I do believe in lessons, NC. I want to know what happened too. Because I get the sense that if I heard about this from him, I'd get a very different story.

Maybe he'd tell me that he was dating a girl who never made the time to come home with him to meet his parents. Maybe he'd tell me that she was more concerned with her schedule than his feelings. I don't know. I just have to wonder how much the trip to see his parents meant to him. It would have been nice if you could have made that happen.

I'm not a huge fan of reaching out if someone doesn't want to talk, but in your case it wouldn't hurt to find out whether he's open to having coffee or even a short phone conversation about what went down. Tell him you want to know why he disappeared. Tell him that you're not angry at this point -- you're just confused. Sure, he might wind up breaking up with you without giving you any more information or ignoring your message altogether, but at least you will have tried to learn from the experience.

My gut tells me that there's a lesson here for both of you. If you have a question, ask. You're allowed to call again.

Readers? I usually tell people not to reach out after breakups, but this seems like an exception and that they're both just being passive-aggressive. Why did he disappear? Is the trip to see his parents relevant? What if she runs into him? Please be helpful (with empathy).

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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