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He wants to move home

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 21, 2013 08:18 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We have a great relationship except for one issue -- location. His family lives a plane ride away while my family is a long drive away. He talks of moving back to be closer to home, but I don't want to move there. We both have better paying jobs here than we'd have there. I am of the position that if we end up together, we will have to travel to see one of our families so I think that it makes sense to live where we can have better jobs and make more money so we can afford the plane tickets.

I am getting to the point where I need more of a commitment. I am in my late 20s and always figured I would be married by now. I am not saying that I am desperate to be married, but at the same time I don't feel like I have the luxury of staying in a relationship that isn't heading in that direction. I love him dearly and every time I talk to him about us and the future he says that he doesn't know what he wants to do and that he still wants to go home. I have told him that he can't be influenced by his family, friends, or me. This is a decision he has to make. I am just beginning to wonder if he will ever make it. I'm not sure what to do.

– Location Location Location, Boston


A: You're right, LLL. After three years, you should know whether you're building a life with someone who shares your priorities.

Honestly, if you're sure that you would rather break up than move to be closer to his family, you must make that clear. Say it out loud. You need to be accountable for your role in the fate of your relationship.

I also want you to think about your feelings for him and whether you're certain that he's the person you want to marry. Sometimes we wind up having to move or travel to undesirable locations to help family members in need. Sometimes we have to move with a partner because they got a job offer that they just can't turn down. Would you ever make that kind of sacrifice for him? Do you have that kind of partnership?

This was a short letter so I don't know a lot about your relationship, but I just get the sense that it only works in a specific context. That doesn't bode well.

Have another talk and tell him what you want in the next three to five years (marriage and Boston). Be honest. If he has different priorities, you can make decisions accordingly. This isn't just up to him.

Readers? Is there hope here? Should she be more open to moving? Is this really up to him? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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