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I have a soul mate

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  March 14, 2013 08:18 AM

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I tweeted the first line of this letter and people asked me to run it. So here it is.


Q: I believe in soul mates. I believe in destiny. I also believe one simple choice can change your outcome in life. I have been through a lot in my life, and I met the man of my dreams when I was very little. I've known this man since I was 13 and did not start dating him until I was 17. We had a strong relationship -- and then we separated after I cheated on him with an ex I still had feelings for.

"J" and I always were long distance, and he started putting me on the back burner and I felt unloved. I understand that is no excuse for what I did.

Since then we have both slept with other people but have never been in relationships because we constantly talk every day and still act as if we are together. Still cry over each other and miss each other, and occasionally I will drive up to spend the night. I have met someone within this time that I love. But I am unsure I can let go of J. I feel as if I will always compare and then live in regret for not trying again with him since now he is willing to compromise and finally be the man I always wanted him to be.

But I can also see a great friendship with this other person, K, who is kind of like my girlfriend at the moment. Except no title because I cannot let go of J. Nor can I tell J the truth about K because I don't want him to leave. K would give up everything to be with me, and I do care for her. But I am worried I will not feel the same passion and love for her that I have for J because, for one, she is a woman. I have been with a girl before but I am scared I will not be truly happy since I would like to have kids.

I am lost and confused and I am tired of feeling like the worst person on earth for juggling two people. Both are so special to me, and it's time I make a choice not only for myself but for the both of them.

– Confused and Scared, Malden


A: Oh dear. OK. Deep breaths.

CAS, this one seems easy to me. You love J. You love him so much that whenever you think about him, you fly over a rainbow and high-five a Care Bear.

So go be with him. For real. With a title and a commitment and the understanding that if there are problems this time around, you won't cheat, you'll talk. No more wishy-washy behavior. No more crying because you miss each other. Just be a couple and see how it goes.

As for K, you don't love her, at least not as much as you say you do. Her gender is irrelevant. You're just so swoony over J that you can't take anyone else seriously. Put her out of her misery and let her go. You say she'd give up everything to be with you. You wouldn't do the same.

The answer is J. Not because I'm convinced he's your soul mate, but because it's time to see if you guys can have any sort of reality together. Commit to the rainbow, my friend. Get to it.

Readers? Should she be with J? K? Anyone? Does she have to tell J about K? K about J? Soul mates? Be patient with this letter writer. Go.


– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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