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Engaged ... but I still have a crush

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  April 9, 2013 08:32 AM

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Q: There is this woman I met about six years ago. She worked at the same company, and I actually started talking to her right away after introducing myself to everyone.

She was a very nice, beautiful woman. I didn't think anything of her since we were both from different worlds. As time passed, we would have small talks here and there and slowly I got to know her and like her. I thought it was just a little crush and that it would go away in a few weeks, but it hasn't.

I always kept it cool -- she was always so nice and we began to be friends. After I left the company, we still kept in touch and even saw each other occasionally to catch up. Well, I am now engaged and I love my girl. She's amazing and I can't wait to start the rest of my life with her.

And here is my stupid problem:

A couple months ago, while my former work friend and I were talking, she tried to kiss me. The next day, I kissed her. And then we confessed how we felt toward each other.

We decided not to follow through. I mean, we wanted to see each other, but she actually distanced herself, and I did, as well. It hurts because I truly care for her and I loved her as a friend, but she never wanted to hurt my fiancée. I know there will never be anything between us and I'm OK with that. It just stinks.

My fiancée and I were broken up when I started having feelings for this woman at work, and after some months went by, I decided that it would be in my best interest to start dating. I went on a couple dates with other girls, but then I ran into my fiancée and we got to talking again.

Now that I know that there might have been a possibility with the woman from work ... yeah, it stinks.

It's been a while since we stopped talking. I need to get her out of my head. How?

– Swimming With Sharks, Florida


A: It's quite possible that your fiancée shouldn't be your fiancée, SWS. I'm sure that you love her very much, but you don't seem ready to commit to anyone forever, at least not right now. You're longing for another woman -- someone you've adored for years. You kissed her just a few months ago. That's a big, fat red flag.

You talk about starting the rest of your life with your fiancée. I don't like it when people say things like that. You're not really starting anything. Your relationship began years ago, and there's already been a breakup and a cheat. Your wedding will celebrate the life you've already started to build -- the life you want to grow and maintain. Are you sure that you want this life forever? Is that why you're getting married?

If you really can't get this other woman out of your head, it means you want here in there. It means that you're choosing to keep her around. It's time to ask yourself why.

Readers? Should he be engaged? Should he pursue this other woman? Why didn't he before? Does he just miss her friendship? Is here a way to get this woman out of his head? What should he do?

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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