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Should I miss him more?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  April 25, 2013 08:43 AM

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Q: I am dating this guy. We have known each other since we were little. We became really close like three years ago, and started dating just five months ago. We live in different cities (like 50 minutes apart from each other), but we still see each other almost every weekend. And we do a lot of Skype.

We are both in college so we are pretty busy. I also have a job and work a few hours a week.

Now to the point. Last weekend, I asked him not to come see me. I just kind of wanted a break. Time for myself. Time with my friends (whom I hadn't hung out with more than twice since we started dating). And it really has nothing to do with him. I just needed some "me time." Yesterday we were talking and he said that sometimes he felt like he misses me more than I miss him. He even said that he feels my attitude is indifferent about seeing him over the weekend. It made me think, how bad is that?

I know I love him. There's no doubt. I feel great when we are together. But it's true that I don't miss him all the time. And also, spending too much time with him (an entire spring break) can get annoying by the end. I feel like I am busier than he is. I care a lot about school. I have priorities and so does he, but it's like I am his priority No. 1. He's told me that he wishes to marry me some day in the future. And I do like the idea as well. But we are talking about four to five years in the future. I mean, we are 22 and 23. We are young and barely starting life. Is he getting too serious and dependent, or am I being too detached? I need some opinions.

– Too Detached?


A: You're not detached, TD. At five months, you like him a lot and want to make some time for him. Sounds good to me.

But he's a serious guy. Very, very serious. He wants more than you can give. You're not capable of sitting around and missing him all of the time (especially when he's just 50 minutes away). You're someone who occasionally wants a weekend alone, which is understandable, especially when you're in school and have so much to do.

Explain to him that you're as into this as you can be. Tell him what you told us -- that you love being with him but that you have a long list of priorities. If he needs more from you right now and this situation is making him miserable, you guys just aren't a good match. And that's OK. Take advantage of his communication skills (he seems like a talker) and have an honest discussion about whether you can meet each other's needs. You might love each other, but are you compatible? Can he compromise on pace ... and space?

For the record, it doesn't mean much that you were annoyed with him after spending an entire spring break together. You can be in love and irritated with someone at the same time. It's not always going to be perfect.

Readers? Does he want too much? Is she indifferent? Are they a good match? What should she do? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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