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He has to live in LA

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 3, 2013 08:33 AM

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One more location letter ...


Q: Meredith,

I have been in a relationship for about 2.5 years with a great guy. He is everything I want in a guy with one major problem: his choice location.

We met in Boston and currently live together in LA. He is an actor and a writer and needs to be here to start his career. However as we grow together and start to talk about the future, I envision myself moving back east to be closer to family, and he sees himself living here potentially for the rest of his life.

I don't need to move back today, and I don't need to move back to Boston, just within driving distance to my family within 5-10 years.

We have talked about compromise but I am not sure if we are able to meet in the middle with this. Since I am a teacher, I suggested that during the summertime when I am off from school, I could spend a few months in Boston, as long as we could afford flights for myself and our future kids. However, he believes that it would be unfair for me to leave for an extended period of time every year.

I am at a loss. I feel like I have to choose between my family and the love of my life. What should I do?

– Lost in LA


A: Your boyfriend has made it clear that he's staying in LA. If that doesn't work for you and you're just biding your time until you move home, please end this relationship. I don't see a real compromise here. He's not planning to get a job on the next Boston-based Ben Affleck movie. He doesn't like the idea of summers away. The only other option is for you to go home during your shorter breaks -- maybe a week or two here and there. If that's not going to cut it, you know the answer to your question.

But ... here's something to consider: You mention that you wouldn't mind living in LA for another 5 to 10 years. That's a very long time. Are you throwing out those numbers to give your boyfriend adequate time to accomplish a few goals? Or would you be legitimately happy staying on the West Coast for another decade? Perhaps you like it out there. Perhaps this angst about moving home is more about what you think you should do, as opposed to what you want to do.

Frankly, I can't figure out what your gut is telling you. I just want to make sure that you're asking yourself the right questions and getting to the bottom of your own motives. I'm stuck on the fact that you'd be open to doing this for another decade. Ask yourself why.

Readers? Is there any room for compromise here? Does she seem happy in LA? Why is she open to doing this for another 5 to 10 years? Is that relevant? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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