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How to get over it

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 30, 2013 08:12 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith,

My ex-girlfriend Charlotte broke up with me about 10 weeks ago. We had been dating for over six years, and I've known her (and loved her) for close to 10 years.

As a 27-year-old, that's quite a long time. More than a third of my life. I built my future up around this woman, and I truly felt we could have been happy together. We were even engaged at one point.

Both of us have some depressive issues and other things that have made our highs that much higher and our lows that much lower. It's not the first time she's broken up with me either. It certainly hasn't always been easy. I feel like we both matured as the relationship progressed, but I do recognize that I have shortcomings that got in the way at times. I'm trying to better myself as a person every day. I also acknowledge that she ultimately gave up on us. She stopped trying and cut me loose.

I'll be honest, after putting myself out there for such a long time and watching as love and attraction just died without my partner fighting for it, it makes me not want to ever put myself out there again. Perhaps people will say that this is typical, but it's all relative.

I know that this is final. I have to believe that. (She's also seeing someone else at present, and no, it didn't start before we broke up.) So how do I stop thinking about her? Yes, I can be busy and with friends and all of these things, but is there any way to halt the bad thoughts when they start or when I'm in my alone time?

I hear many things said on message boards and from friends when it comes to these types of breakups. (S)he's awful, (s)he's selfish, you can do better ... or plenty of other empty statements about how great the dumpee is or about how terrible the dumper is. I don't necessarily find those blanket statements helpful. So what can help me? I've been keeping myself busy, but we work in the same building and I'm reminded of her frequently and it's just not getting any easier. How do I change my thoughts from false hopes of reconciliation to acceptance?

– This Is It, Massachusetts


A: Ah, message boards. I can't knock them (this column is kind of a message board, I guess), but I can tell you that if people on breakup-specific message boards knew the cure to the common breakup, they would not be on message boards. Right?

You had a six-year relationship during some pretty important, formative years. Charlotte helped you become the person you are -- the guy who's smart enough to know that it's over. It's only been 10 weeks. That's less than three months. Please don't expect miracles here. Charlotte is dating someone else, but trust me, she's still processing her loss.

One thing you can do to move this along is to change your routine a bit. Reminders are inevitable, but if you try going somewhere new after work, you might create some independent memories and find some unfamiliar buildings and faces.

I also recommend falling in love with a book series or television show, something you'll discuss with your new inner-circle, not her. And please, if you have a history of depression, make sure that you're getting the right treatment/meds. This is a difficult time. Get all the help you need.

You can do little things here and there to make your life better, but you really have to just ride it out. Go find some routine changers and get off the message boards, please. Writing here is one thing, but Googling this stuff every night will make you crazy. Really, your time is better spent watching good TV.

Readers? Is it too soon for healing? How can he stop the bad thoughts? Any advice for this breakup? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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