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He's far away but I don't want to let go

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 15, 2013 08:25 AM

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I'm still out of the office for mom stuff (today I deal with my godchild, a massive Steinway piano). I'm not sure whether Glenn is hosting chat. If he can, he'll post a link soon. If not, we'll see you next week.


Q: I am in love with this guy who lives across the country. We have a history. We dated in high school 20 years ago. We found each other three years ago and became very close. Even intimate.

But we agreed to date others since we live so far away. It has been great and tough at the same time. But I feel like I can't let anyone get close to me because I am waiting for him. I love this man. I love him!! We have something special and I don't want to let it go. But I don't want this to hurt me in the end.

He doesn't want to lose me -- he has told me this. But why hold on to me if we are no longer making plans?

He has issues with a woman he's dating who knows about me. She knows he still has feelings for me and because of that, I think I should let go. I feel like our hearts get in each other's way when it comes to dating. But I don't want to close the door. I am a daily conversation in their relationship.

If I did close the door on what we have and focus on a friendship with him, it would be OK. He's the only man I have ever dated I could remain best friends with without anything taking place. We were friends first.

What should I do? HELP.

– Hold On or Let Go, Illinois


A: Let go, please.

Unless you have a specific plan to be together, this partnership isn't happening. Right now it's just a pseudo-relationship that's preventing you from having a real one.

You and this man are either going to commit to moving to the same place (or frequent travel) to give this relationship a shot, or you're going to make him disappear. The fact that he's not making plans foreshadows the answer.

As for a friendship, well, you said you loved him and used two exclamation points. That doesn't say "friends first" to me.

Talk to him about choosing each other or walking away. If you do walk but decide that you have to keep him as a Facebook friend, consider your privacy settings.

Readers? Can she be his friend? What does she mean when she says that they're not making plans? Anyone have a similar relationship with an old love who lives far away? What do we think of him? What about this other woman? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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