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Will he mess up again?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 31, 2013 08:44 AM

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Q: I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We lived together for about four months until he left me. I moved to a different state, and he recently moved to the same state. We do not live together at the moment. It tore me apart when he left. My father had left me a bunch of times when I was younger, so being abandoned is nothing new to me. My boyfriend says he is sorry and that he won't do it again. He wants me to move in with him.

On top of that, he cheated on me when we were in different states. I was even more torn. He says he is sorry about that too. During video chats and phone calls, I've heard and seen him cry. He says he messed up and made big mistakes and has learned his lesson.

I just want to know someone's opinion. Would he ever do any of those things again? Would he ever leave or cheat on me again if we were married?

– How do I know he won't hurt me again?, California


A: I have no idea whether he'll do these things again. There are no guarantees in life and I am not a fortune teller.

I can tell you that even if you didn't have a history of abandonment in the family, you'd be devastated by all of this. He left, cheated, and now he's weepy and wanting you back. That's a roller coaster for anyone, dad or no dad.

I'd love to know what lesson he believes he learned from this experience. Is it that he doesn't want to live without you? Or that he makes impulsive decisions? Do his explanations make sense at all? How has he evolved?

My advice is to avoid moving in with him. That shouldn't be on the table. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you should be with him at all, but I really don't have enough information to determine why you think any of this should be salvaged.

Assuming you have great reasons for wanting to try this again (do you?), you guys have to take this slow and learn to trust each other. No quick moves. No cohabitation. No leaving and coming back. It should just be about spending time together and establishing a routine.

Again, I can't tell you whether history will repeat itself, but if your gut tells you there's no trust in this relationship, that's all that matters, no matter how much he cries. If your gut wants you to try again, that's fine, but please try slowly.

Readers? Will he mess up again? Why does she want to give him another chance? What about the crying? Is her family relevant? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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