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Will she ever change?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  May 29, 2013 07:29 AM

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Q: I met this girl in college. She was an out-of-state student and was seeing someone at home. We became very good friends and started flirting with each other. Eventually, we started sleeping together. I was still mourning the end of a serious relationship and was not even considering dating this girl. I started to pull back when she seemed to want more attention than I wanted to give her. She started to go out with another guy (while still seeing the guy in her home state). It was at this point that I realized that I liked her -- because I was jealous.

I told her how I felt and she said the feeling was mutual so she stopped seeing the new guy. The last time she went home, she broke up with her boyfriend, so now it's just me. Thing is, this girl flirts with every (or almost every) decent looking man, she lies or tells half-truths, and she gets violent whenever we argue. The worst thing is that she is in denial about all of these things. She has had 13 boyfriends in her past. She's very nice, pretty, business-oriented like myself, and we definitely have a connection. Even though my gut feeling tells me to dump her, something within me thinks she has changed. She has confessed to a crazy past (being boy crazy, always getting drunk). Do people change?

– Do People Change?, Nashua


A: People change and grow up over time, but they can't be transformed into someone entirely new. This woman flirts, flights, and lies. If she's been that way from the start, that's just who she is, at least for right now, and right now is what counts.

To be fair, your "right now" is also a bit questionable. You started dating her while she was seeing someone else. You didn't commit to her until you were jealous. You seem drawn to the drama and admit to ignoring your gut. Are you ready to be in another relationship?

I don't care about her past (the 13 boyfriends don't bother me), but her present is a mess. If she's truly in denial about your relationship problems and sees no need to work on your issues, you're dating the wrong person.

Again, people can evolve, mature, and change, but only if they want to. Does she want to? Do you?

Readers? Anything worth saving here? Why is he drawn to her? What about the overlapping with the boyfriend back home? What does this have to do with him mourning his last relationship? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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