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I ruined our great relationship

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 26, 2013 08:32 AM

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Wednesday chat at 1.


Q: Meredith,

I am going through the most severe heartbreak of my life. My ex-boyfriend and I were together about a year and a half when he decided that he wanted to break up. I am responsible for the demise of our relationship.

There was no cheating or lying involved. At that time I was going through some major problems at work and was overly stressed, and I did not communicate how stressed I was. I guess I needed a punching bag, so I took it out on him. I started fights and put him down, saying that everything he was doing did not meet my standards. I stopped appreciating him and took him for granted and became needy. Basically, I did everything that you are not supposed to do.

I feel horrible and it tears my heart apart, the way I acted towards him. A day does not pass by that I do not think of him and grieve our relationship. My behavior started only two months prior to breaking up. We had an amazing relationship prior to that, as he would say, "I was the love of his life." I have made a lot of changes in my life and have been in therapy. I have apologized to him and received a kind email just stating that we have to move on. We have not communicated for about four months. I am still in love with him; he was the ONE.

I would love to have him back in my life but I do not know how that is possible. After the breakup, I never called him or begged him to take me back. How do I go about trying to reach out to him again? I love him very much.

– Want Him Back, Washington D.C


A: I assume that when you apologized, you told him that you missed him. I also assume that at some point during the breakup, you tried to explain your behavior and promised to change your ways.

If that's the case and you've already communicated that you want another chance, you have to accept that he's gone. You don't have to beg.

There is no "ONE." And even if there were, I'm not convinced that he's it. You claim that the relationship unraveled in just two months, but isn't it possible that there were problems before the end? You were unhappy. You dealt with that by criticizing the relationship. And rather than saying, "What is going on here?" he simply ended it. It seems to me that things might not have been perfect before those last eight weeks.

If you failed to communicate your desire to stay together, there's no harm in telling him (via email, please) that you've tried therapy and fear that you've both lost too much by walking away. But honestly, it sounds like he knows what you want.

Please spend some time considering the possibility that you've romanticized the first 16 months with this guy. Wonderful relationships don't fall apart after a bad eight weeks. There's usually more to it.

Readers? Was this really just about a bad two months? When you've misbehaved, how do you convince someone that you won't do it again? Should she reach out? Do they belong together? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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