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Man 1 or Man 2 ...

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  June 11, 2013 08:41 AM

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Q: Three years ago, while on a business trip, I happened to meet a very interesting man. I will call him Man #1 (see where this is going). Being a highly-selective, unusual person myself, he seemed like a dream come true. He was always exceptionally kind to me, brilliant, funny, and extremely good-looking. Though there was some distance between us, we texted constantly all day, and I went to visit him several times. However, there were a few things in our way. The main one being he was younger, still in college, and wasn't able to move to be with me for varying reasons. Long story short, he broke up with me, but was adamant about the fact that we remain close friends. He said he was depressed and felt incapable of having a relationship at the time. So we continued to talk just as before but stopped seeing each other. I was very sad to lose him as a lover, but still happy to have him in my life. We had a very close platonic friendship after that.

Soon after that relationship ended, I began talking online with someone I had admired since my childhood. I would call him a childhood hero of mine. We hit it off exceptionally well, having a great deal in common and excellent communication. Again, there was a distance involved, but after I visited him several times, he took the leap and moved in with me and my young child.

As soon as man #2 moved in, things changed dramatically. He became insanely jealous -- accusing me of some of the most terrible things, all untrue. He badgered me incessantly, deprived me of sleep, and invaded every type of privacy I had in the hopes of finding evidence of cheating. Additionally, he insisted that I cut off all contact with man #1, which made me sad, but I did see his point there. Man #1 was kind and supportive in regard to me not talking to him during this time.

Over the course of a year, man #2 effectively tore me and the relationship apart, piece by piece. I became extremely depressed. All the while, though, man #2 was receiving professional help and promising to change. These days, he appears to have changed and is no longer accusing me of the things he did before. He is trying his best to be good to me, but I don't trust him. I should mention that he has always been exceptionally nice to my child, and he has grown very attached.

Back to man #1. Man #2 created an email account in my name and proceeded to write man #1 a horribly insulting email, saying terrible, personal things about him. When I found out about this, I wrote man #1 an email, apologizing profusely and telling him how afraid I was. I did not expect a reply at all, since man #2's email made it look like I had betrayed man #1's confidence in the worst way. Surprisingly, though, he did reply. He replied with the kindest, most sincere words. Telling me I deserved better than to be afraid, and that he would always be my friend. He said he would help me any way he could. Most importantly, he believed me and said he trusted me completely. He honestly cared for my well-being, unlike man #2 who seems to want to own me, regardless of the cost.

We exchanged a few (illicit in my current relationship) emails after that, and it came out that he has always been crazy about me but felt inadequate as a partner because I make considerably more money and am more established than him. Well, I am older, so that is the case. I never cared about that, however. I have always been very independent and was looking for companionship and not material security. I agree that when we first met, the timing was very wrong, but now I am wondering if we have a chance.

Man #2 wants to marry me. He is behaving himself. I am very attracted to him. My kid is crazy about him. But what if the bad behavior returns? I am afraid for my mental health and well-being.

Man #1 makes me feel so good about myself. He has never hurt me intentionally, and has remained a good friend for three years, even through long stretches without talking to one another. Every time I hear from him I feel better. I feel happy. I feel at peace.

Obviously, I am torn. Should I break apart my current situation and take my child's friend away? Should I throw out a man who moved to be with me? Or keep with the status quo, remembering that all long-term relationships have issues. There is still a distance issue with man #1, but there is always a chance that it could be resolved. There is a possibility. Should I entertain this possibility?

Do extremely jealous, psychologically abusive people ever change for the long-term?

– Desdemona, MA


A: I don't see this as a choice between man #1 and man #2. For now, I'm just focused on #2 and whether you'd want any part of this relationship if he wasn't close with your kid. Are you in love with this man? Was your romantic relationship ever healthy? If you could go back in time, would you still choose to move in with him? Do you get the sense that it's difficult or unnatural for him to behave?

You tell us that you're attracted to #2, but you don't seem to think he's a good partner. Your reasons for keeping him around are more about guilt than love. Meanwhile, you're lining up someone else. You've already jumped into a new, imaginary relationship in your head.

To me, the answer is pretty clear. You want out, but you're afraid to be alone. Unfortunately, alone time is going to be part of the breakup process no matter what. It's a bad idea to jump from #2 to #1 without processing what happened and giving your kid a stable routine.

As for your last question, sure, I believe that anyone can change, especially with professional help. But in your case, it sounds like no matter how #2 behaves, you're looking for an escape. That's fine, as long as you're as honest and healthy about your choices. Talk to a professional about how you can end this without feeling unsafe. Find out how to explain this to your kid. Tell man #1 that you have a lot to think about, and that for the moment, he can't be in the way.

Readers? Is this 1 vs. 2? Does she want to be with 2? Has 2 really changed? What about 1? Should he be in the picture? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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