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July 4 Updates Part 2

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 5, 2013 08:15 AM

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Happy holiday Friday.

Make sure you read yesterday's updates.

We'll start our second day of July 4 updates with a letter from someone who was worried about maturity.

Lots of commenters, and Mere, suggested I was not capitalizing on my youth and trying to rush a relationship into something serious. This was totally true and I definitely see how accurate this feedback was when I look back. Shortly after my letter was published, my boyfriend broke up with me over Skype. Then he later admitted he had been cheating on me the past summer!

It took a lot of time to recover from this. Not from the broken heart necessarily, but from the idea that I considered myself an intelligent, self-aware person and I was totally duped.

Fast forward to today: I am totally embracing my youth. It's laughable now that I made a relationship the center of my life when there is so much more out there. I think part of the problem was that I was stuck in a "college bubble," so a relationship seemed like the only thing out there. I moved into the city, got a great job, and met all sorts of interesting people. I am happily single now and enjoying the chaos of my life and my youth every day. I’m definitely more cautious about jumping into anything with the instant expectation of being with that person forever. I've also learned that I am an interesting, complex person with so much to be grateful for and so much going for me besides relationships. A good relationship will compliment that instead of becoming the focal point of my life.

Thanks to everyone who helped out! :)

Our second update is from a guy with questions about height. Back in the day, some Celtics personalities came to the rescue.

Hi Mere,

I asked the Celtics players about height for a video response a few years back. They all replied that height is not a factor, and that I just "have to try harder to overcome it" with personality. (If it's not a factor, why must it be overcome?) As you delicately put it, I was "insecure about my height."

I decided that was the wrong question for these guys, and that they had no appreciation for the issue. At 5'5'', men of my stature have been described in Internet comments (notoriously cruel) as runt, little person, and worse. I've seen guys as tall as 5'8'' termed "shorty" by men and women alike. I believe it is pretty much a universal blind spot and/or bias no one wants to actually admit to. Kudos to the women who state "I just like my men tall, what can I say?" I appreciate that honesty. Of course, any protestation is met with the "Napoleon complex" accusation.

So, no, the advice was not helpful. I've de-emphasized dating in my life in favor of other pursuits. Perhaps that's a sour grapes perspective, but I've decided relationships are unnecessary for me and "the juice ain't worth the squeeze." The older I get, the less relevant intimate relationships are. Sorry to report, I don't read your columns too much anymore.

Well then. Finally, an update from someone who wanted to meet men in a new place.

Hey Meredith,

This is a quick update from Missteps in the South. Last your readers heard from me, I was seeking advice on how to start dating and meet new guys in my part of the world. Having taken a 6 year hiatus from dating I was, quite frankly, in over my head. While, it's been over a year since I sought your input, I have to say that I have manged to make some changes in my life, particularly with my approach to dating. Although it hasn't all been smooth sailing.

I actually relocated to the Midwest a few months after my letter was published and decided to make a fresh attempt at dating in my new locale. I created an online dating profile, which I am still active on to this day, and hit the town in an attempt to meet new people. While this has produced a handful of great dates (and a few that made me run for the hills), I haven't made any lasting romantic connections. What I continue to struggle with, which you so accurately described in your response, is my tendency to compartmentalize the various parts of my life. I'm still trying to find that balance between work life and social life. On more than one occasion I have found myself slipping back into old habits. When I notice this, I try my best to right the ship and get back on course. I'm making progress, even if it's not as quickly as I would like. With a little more time and focus, I'll have the best of both worlds.

Sincerely,
Missteps

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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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