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Too soon to move in together?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 12, 2013 08:24 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm a longtime reader, sometime commenter with a question about timing and relationships. I have been dating a woman I met about three months ago, and we have been virtually inseparable since. We pretty much alternate staying at her place and mine.

We made the decision to move in together because despite the short amount of time we have been dating, we are in love with each other. Our friends (and family members) are expressing some fairly serious concerns that we are moving too quickly. If we were twentysomethings I would understand this, but we are both in our 50s and time is more precious as you age.

So my question for you and your readers is: Does it matter how long you have been dating before you move in together? Is it based on time or on how well you think you know each other? We have not had an argument yet, much less a fight, so I see no reason to continue bouncing between two houses (both rentals). The other question I have is that she is moving in with me, so she would be giving up her apartment. This scares me a bit because if things do not work out for whatever reason, she would have to find a new place again. Thanks for any help you can give me.

– Is Timing Everything, Revere


A: Three months is too soon. Three months is a blip. That doesn't mean that your relationship is destined for failure if you move in, but it does mean that you're taking a big risk. You're choosing to get to know this woman as a roommate before you really know her as a partner.

I usually tell people (no matter their age) that if you can fight and make up, if you share a plan for the future, if you're basically sharing an apartment anyway, and if you understand and accept each other's philosophies about money, you're probably ready for a move-in. It's difficult to accomplish everything on that list in three months. You seem proud that you've never had an argument, but doesn't that suggest that you're still in the magical honeymoon phase? Are you willing to cut that short?

If you're really going to do this, please consider finding an entirely new rental property. You'll probably need more space as a twosome, and it's better if you both start fresh, as opposed to her moving into your territory. If you're answer to that is, "No way. It's easier if we stay in my apartment," well, that's another reason you might be moving too quickly.

Readers? Is three months too soon? Does it matter that they're in their 50s? Do they have to get a new place? Any tips if they do move in? Discuss.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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