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We need more time off

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  July 1, 2013 08:23 AM

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Former letter writers: I'd love to run some updates on the 4th. Please let us know how you're doing and whether we were helpful. Email an update to meregoldstein at gmail and put UPDATE in the subject line. Make sure you send your update from the same email address that you used to send the letter -- or tell me what it was so I can confirm your ID.


Q: Two months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of four years. No seminal event -- things between us simply deteriorated to the point that we spent the majority of the last year together fighting all the time. She has recently re-initiated contact with me via email, and we met once for lunch about two weeks ago. Things were perfectly cordial.

She has since made it clear that she is interested in getting back together. Given how long we were together and how briefly we've been apart, I could only see that happening successfully further down the road, once we've both had the opportunity to process and discuss what went wrong between us. I've tried to communicate this to her, but she is of the opinion that I must either commit to getting back together right now ("It's been two whole months!' she says), which to me feels like forcing the issue, or tell her that I never want to see her again. I still care about her, but I know that if we reunite too quickly it will all end the same way it did before. Am I being unfair by not taking a firm position either way, or is there some middle ground here?

– What to do, Brookline


A: It seems to me that you're either going to work on this relationship together ... or let it go. I'm not convinced that space is going to give you clarity. It'll only give you time to decide whether you prefer life without this woman. It's unfair to ask her to wait around while you adjust to being single.

You've been together for four years. You either want to work things out or see how it feels to be on your own. If you choose time apart, you can't call it a break for self-discovery. You have to call it a breakup and accept that her journey to self-awareness might include moving on and being with someone else.

I understand your need for space and time, but we can't press pause on long relationships when they get weird. If she continues to wait around against her will, she'll become frustrated and resentful. I'm not sure that any relationship can bounce back from that much stress.

Take a firm position. Decide to work it out as a couple, or go your separate ways. If your gut tells you that you really want space, take that as a sign that you really want to be on your own.

Readers? Is he allowed to tell her that he needs more space? Am I right to suggest that he's just pressing pause? Can he ask for more time? Should they be together? Discuss.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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