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Our turbulent marriage

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  August 2, 2013 08:20 AM

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Q: I dated my husband for five years and we got married three years ago. Since then our marriage has been somewhat turbulent. We "get along," but when we fight it's bitter with lots of name calling and not talking for days. I understand that this is my side of the story, but he makes no effort to understand me and I am almost always the one to be blamed for problems. We have a decent sex life and recently started talking about having a child. But when things go south I really question if having a child is even a good idea. We really have few things in common -- we like different music, movies, hobbies, and ways to spend our free time. I am financially independent so if we were to go our own ways, that is not an issue. But lately I have been questing more and more if we are really meant to be together? Any insights?

– Confused Wife, CT


A: My insight: Don't have a baby with this guy. That shouldn't even be on the table. You can't co-parent with someone who won't talk to you for days. And trust me --a kid is not going to fix your relationship problems. You'll just wind up with the same issues and one more person to worry about.

It sounds like you guys could benefit from some serious couples counseling. You're both wrestling with big questions, which will be easier to answer in front of a professional. You talk about having a baby ... or going your separate ways. Those are overwhelming and extreme options. Let a therapist help you figure out whether there's a middle ground.

I also want you to think about what brought you together and what makes you stay. The movie/music/hobbies stuff doesn't bother me very much, but I'm curious about what does work (besides your sex life). Talk to your husband about what keeps this relationship going.

Don't ask whether you're meant to be. Ask: "Can we be happy together?"

Readers? Should they have a child? Why is that on the table? What keeps them together? Insights? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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