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Am I needy?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 20, 2013 08:27 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith,

Like many others, I am a long-time reader, first-time writer.

I recently started a new relationship. My last relationship was with someone I loved very much who couldn't love me back. He was extremely closed off. He didn't let me into his world -- in fact, I never met any of his family or friends, not once in the two years we were together. Our sex life was hardly normal either. I often found myself begging for it. I felt he was my soul mate -- still do, honestly -- but I had to end it because of the constant worry and fear. We are still friends but it’s still emotionally difficult for me. I always wonder "what if." I probably always will.

Enter Brian. I met Brian a few months ago and we hit it off right away. I still feel we're in the honeymoon stage, but I find myself comparing him to my ex. He's not closed off. I have met his family and friends. He includes me in his life. However, he has an issue showing affection, and I now find myself wondering if I'm yet again with someone who won't ever truly "let me in." He has an issue sleeping next to me. He says it's because he's not used to having someone in his bed. He told me that when he was with his ex, he'd often wake up and sleep on the couch. This hasn't happened to us as of yet. But I find myself constantly looking for affection or some kind of affirmation that he cares for me. Because of this, I think he's starting to find me overbearing and I'm pulling back.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I give it time? Voice my concerns? I don't want to come off as needy and I'm starting to wonder if that is, in fact, what I am.

I also have a feeling that until my ex is completely out of my life I may never be able to let him go. It scares me to have to let him go.

Your advice is much appreciated.

– Love and Affection, N.H.


A: Let me get this straight. You believe that the guy who wouldn't introduce you to his friends and family is you soul mate, and that the guy who wants you in his life is not going to let you in.

Come on, now.

I want you to cut off your ex -- not because he's your ex, but because he's a bad friend. Then I want you to think about whether you're ready to be in a relationship. We all have needy moments, but you spend a lot of time second guessing yourself and your boyfriend. Some time on your own might be the cure. You need to know that no matter what happens, you can take care of yourself.

I'm not saying that you can't be with this new guy, but really, if you spend more time wallowing in doubt than enjoying yourself, you need to be single.

As for the bed thing, no big deal. If you're getting some attention before you pass out for the night, it doesn't matter where you land. People only fall asleep spooning like angels in the movies.

Readers? Is she worried about the wrong guy? Should she be in a relationship? Do you have to sleep in bed with your partner? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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