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Dating a married man

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 24, 2013 08:33 AM

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Sorry for the tech issues yesterday. If you didn't get to comment on yesterday's letter, please do. She's reading everything.


Q: I'm finding myself in a situation I NEVER thought I would be in: I'm dating a married man. But my question is not about how to deal with it or how to get out of it. My question is really about why I am in this situation and how I got here.

In 10 years I've only had two, now three boyfriends, and I seem to keep picking men with whom the relationship is terminal. My first serious boyfriend when I was in college was way too old for me ... like twice my age. It was also sort of a long-distance situation where he lived a few hours away by car. Ultimately it failed for a couple reasons. First and foremost, I came to my senses on the age difference. It was too big and it meant we were in very different phases of life. Secondly, I was a young adult, still figuring out who I was and what I wanted to do, and still changing a lot. He was not really evolving the way I was, and I evolved right out of the relationship.

My second serious relationship was a few years later, while I was in graduate school, with a wonderful guy, totally age appropriate for me. But when we started dating, we lived a plane flight away from each other. We were together for about two and a half years, I felt like I was totally in love with him, and I was convinced for a while that I would marry him. The long-distance was really tough, and for a while I assumed that at some point we'd decide where we both wanted to live together. When I finished school, I wanted to move back to the East Coast where my family was. But he decided to go to continue school in California, despite all of the fantastic schools in New England. I told myself, "If he can't move to the East Coast for me, why should I move to the West Coast for him?" And that was that.

After him, it took me a long time to get out there again -- over two years. But finally last winter I started dating again. I had a two very short relationships (1-2 months) with guys who ended things with me. And then I met my current guy at the beginning of the summer. I had no intention of getting involved with him because I knew what his marital status was, but there was so much attraction and interest on both of our parts, and we both caved in. There is SO much wrong with this, starting with the fact that he is married. I know that the likelihood of this working out for us is one to a million, and I know that the likelihood of a lot of hurt is very high, for me, for him, and for the third party in this. I'd happily hear opinions on this, preferably free of judgment. I'm judging myself pretty harshly already. But this is not why I'm writing.

I am writing because I'm seeing a pattern here: terminal relationships. I seem to keep putting myself into situations where there is a low chance of long-term success. What is my problem?

– Trying to Figure it Out, Boston


A: I see only one problem relationship here, and that's the one you're in right now. The other relationships sound about right. You were young and in school, long-distance, or experimenting. It makes sense that you dated those men until it was time to break up.

But your current situation is not OK. Based on how you framed this letter, I assume that this guy is 100 percent married, not out of the house and waiting on his divorce papers. I understand that there's attraction on both sides, but that doesn't justify the behavior.

My guess is that you feel entitled to pursue this man because you believe that your relationship history hasn't been that great. I must tell you that you are not entitled to anything. And I don't see a pattern here -- because really, all relationships have a low chance of long-term success. You went into your second relationship hoping for marriage. You weren't looking for "terminal." Your love life was very acceptable up until this point.

Accept that there's no pattern and then deal with your present. You've extracted yourself from undesirable situations before. Please do that again.

Readers? Is there a pattern here? Does she feel entitled because of her past? What should she do to avoid the wrong relationships? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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