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Dating a stoner

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 19, 2013 07:54 AM

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It's our last celebrity answer day with Lamorne Morris of "New Girl."


Q: I am a 17-year-old girl and have an amazing boyfriend who's 18. He is the sweetest, most respectful guy I have ever known, my parents absolutely LOVE him, he's great with little kids, and he's super supportive of everything I do. The only problem is that he's a major stoner.

We are serious in our relationship and everything is nearly perfect except this habit. He has only smoked in front of me once, which caused a major fight where we didn't talk for almost two weeks. Even though he usually isn't high around me, it bothers me greatly, and to be honest, it breaks my heart. I know marijuana isn't a big deal, but family members of mine have had medical and legal problems with it making it very personal to me, and above anything else, it's caused a trust issue between us.

When I first met him, I knew he smoked and I made it clear how against it I was, and he told me he wanted me to help him stop and that it would be his goal. Then he started lying to me that he was quitting. As we grew closer, he would tell me that he stopped for a day or two then started back up again. It killed me, but at least he wasn't lying anymore, right? I've always told him how much it hurts me that he smokes, and honestly feel like he doesn't care enough about me to even try to quit. I feel like he's choosing pot over me, which I know isn't the case, but I can't stop thinking about the time he got high in front of me.

It kills me when I call him or he goes to an event with me high, or if I can even smell it on him and knew he was doing it earlier. He's so addicted and I don't know how to help him. And to make it worse, his parents are completely oblivious and the type that don't care what he does or who he's with. Leaving him altogether is out of the question -- I truly do love him -- but it's incredibly hard to love and care about someone when I'm always worried -- wondering if they got home alright driving, or if they blacked out again from smoking and drinking too much.

He really is an amazing guy, he just makes the dumbest decisions. I just don't want to see him throw his life away. He'll be attending college soon and is looking for a job, and I don't want to see him ruin his future over something so worthless and petty.

– Girlfriend of a Stoner


A: This is a good life lesson, my friend. You can't go into a relationship expecting someone to change. You fell for a stoner, which means you signed up for this. If you can't accept someone as they are, there's no reason to be serious about them.

My advice is to find someone who shares your values. This isn't going to get better, and his habit is clearly a deal-breaker for you. You're second-guessing your quality time, you resent his choices, and you're forcing him to lie. Love won't make these issues go away.

If breaking up really isn't an option, you have to learn to accept your reality. Don't force him to make promises he won't keep. Have a talk with him and ask him to be candid about his habit so that you can manage your expectations. Again, you can't expect him to change, so your best bet is honesty.

Readers? Should she leave him? Is she overreacting? Will he change? What about that reference to the blackout? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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