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He wants to keep it casual

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 30, 2013 08:29 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith,

A few months ago I met a guy in a pretty random way. We both frequent the same website and happened to post on the same topic. He messaged me privately and we discovered we had a lot in common and that we live less than five miles from each other.

We messaged back and forth for a bit and decided to meet. There were instant sparks. And I mean instant. I admit, we probably moved too fast, but it happened. After a very short while, he said he couldn't get serious and that whatever we had needed to be casual.

Since I really enjoyed his company, I agreed and things were fine. I was okay with it, until he started doing things that seemed oddly like a relationship. He constantly told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved spending time with me. He couldn't be near me without having his arms around me. When I complemented a shirt he was wearing, he said he'd give it to me but wear it first so it smelled like him. These are all things I associate with a relationship and not a casual fling ... so I started getting feelings. Not unheard of, but when I mentioned taking it further, he again said it needed to be casual.

Am I reading more into things than I should? His behavior and his words seem to be polar opposites.

– Casually Confused, Easton


A: I'd like to know what he means by "casual."

If casual means that he wants to see other people or that this is a relationship with a definite ending, I'd walk away -- because you already want more. If casual means that he doesn't know what he wants, you can stick it out as long as you're honest with him about how you feel.

There's a big difference between casual and slow. I'm all for slow and for enjoying the beginning of a relationship without feeling the need to jump ahead, but "casual" suggests a lack of accountability. You've been giving him your time for months now, and you deserve to know whether he has an open mind. Does he? Is "casual" his final answer?

Actions often speak louder than words, but words are just as important. If he just wants to see how things progress over time, that's fine, but if he's using the dictionary definition of casual (look at No. 3), you have to bail, no matter how many shirts he stinks up for your benefit.

Readers? What does he mean by casual? Should she bail right now? Think they met on Love Letters? Are his actions more important than his words? Discuss.


– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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