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How to let someone down

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 3, 2013 08:31 AM

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Q: Dear LL,

I am 46 and just started to dip my toe back into dating after being widowed two and a half years ago. I was actually expecting guys my age to want younger women, but have had several people ask me out and really be interested in me. That was nice.

My question is about breaking up with people. One person I have been on a few dates with seems overly interested in making me his serious girlfriend, and I am really not ready for that. I just want to have fun and meet many people. I had been married to such a wonderful man who was my best friend for 20 years; I'm not going to jump into a serious relationship out of the gate. My gut says this guy is clingy and needy. I want to let him down nicely. He is not what I am looking for and I have no interest in getting to know him further. What do I say? How do I say it?

– Trying to start my own life, Mass.


A: There's no formula for rejection, but I'd go with honesty sans cruelty.

He needs to know that you're looking for different things. That's a nice way to tell him you want out, and it happens to be true. It will sting (both of you). It will be awkward. But that's dating. You'll be doing him a favor by telling him he's moving too quickly for you, because it's possible that he's heard that before. Just make sure that you have a few lines in your back pocket to stop him from bargaining. You can say (and repeat), "I'm so sorry this didn't work out, but I'm sure I'm making the right decision."

The big question is: phone, email, or in person? Ending things in person is always kind, but if 99 percent of your communication is by phone, it might be a more comfortable medium for both of you. Just have an exit strategy -- a summary line to put closure on the conversation. As in, "Thank you for listening and understanding. I think it's time for me to go home/hang up." Sometimes it's difficult to end these talks.

I'd like to take a moment to talk about the awesomeness of this letter. You're the object of someone's affection. You're finding dates. And in the thick of it all, as you figure out how to live the rest of your life, you're asking thoughtful questions about how you treat others. I hope you're taking a moment here and there to celebrate yourself. Because the whole thing is pretty fantastic.

Readers? Ideas for rejecting someone after a few dates? How much does she have to say? How honest should she be? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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