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I just get a kiss at the door

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  September 4, 2013 07:17 AM

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I have jury duty today. Trying to get out by chat time.


Q: Hi Meredith,

I'm wondering what people think about the following situation. I have gone on about eight dates over approximately five weeks with a woman who is really nice, personable, etc. Someone I feel like I could really be into. She has also made clear that she is into me.

The problem is that things are not progressing physically like I am used to. I am really trying to be patient, but we have only kissed and she has made clear that because she has a test coming up, it likely would not progress farther for a month.

I am not used to this. We are in the phase of dating right now where I usually always want to make out with my new partner (even if she wants to move slow on the pajama parties) and she wants to make out with me. In this case, my date seems content to hang out for a couple of hours and then kiss at the door and say goodnight. It makes me feel like she has no desire for me.

When I have addressed the progression, she says that we have not spent enough time together. However, it's her schedule that prevents this, and when I hang out with her on the weekend, her mother has always "conveniently" been over at her place "working" so we could not go there (I live a ways away and I have gone to her for every date), and she cuts the date short at like 10 p.m. It's weird. She wants to see me, doesn't think we spend enough time together, but when I devote an entire evening, she's done early.

I guess my real question is: Is it wrong that I find this bizarre? Does this girl just consider me a nice companion? Is she someone with attachment issues? I know she has been up front about her "schedule," but is it normal to want to find out about physical chemistry more than kisses at the door by this point?

Thanks.

– Wanting More ... Badly, NY.


A: I don't think that this woman has attachment issues. I think it's fine that she's sort of slow. But her pace suggests that she might not be the right match for you. Maybe. It's sort of too soon to tell, and the test thing is throwing me off.

I'd wait out the test and then see what's up. If she's balancing school/work/family, these past five weeks might be a bit of a blur.

I don't expect her to show up at your house naked as soon as the test is over, but I would hope that dates would get longer, conversation would get deeper, and that there'd be more physical contact even if it's not overtly sexual. You should be getting closer -- physically and emotionally. If that's not happening after another few dates/weeks, you can write this one off.

Also, if she has a car, she should start coming to you. I don't like that you're doing all of the schlepping. Test aside, you shouldn't be doing all the work. After eight or ten dates, she should want to get a glimpse of your life.

Readers? Is this weird? Are they simply not a match? Is this about the test? Does the mother thing bother you? What should he do? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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