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She doesn't want to lead me on

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  October 18, 2013 08:38 AM

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Q: My ex-girlfriend just moved back to town two months ago. Last year, she lived here for a short time (3 months) while doing an internship. We started as friends and began dating shortly thereafter. After her internship, they gave her a job offer that paid very well. At the time she didn't take it and moved back to her faraway home state. We dated for a few more months until one day she broke it off, saying she couldn't see herself living anywhere other than her home state. (I believe her -- her entire family and support system is there.)

I was devastated. I deeply loved this girl, and we had openly talked about getting married multiple times. A couple months after we broke up, she came and visited and stayed with me for a week. We were back together while she was here, but then she went back home. I went on a vacation with some friends, and the time away helped me realize that I needed to move on. I told her afterwards that we couldn't talk anymore because it kept me from moving on. She called me crying the next day and begged me to continue talking to her. I relented, and several months later, she still hadn't found a job at home. I found a job listing for her here (a very prestigious one) and sent it to her. A few months later, she got the job, and told me she was moving back! I was ecstatic, it seemed like the love of my life was moving back, and all my prayers had been answered.

Then, when she moved back, she said she didn't want to date. I was very confused, but agreed to stay friends and helped her get set up here.

A few weeks after she moved back, I had to take a long business trip. While I was gone, she sent me several "I miss you, please come back soon" texts. She picked me up from the airport wearing her best dress, we went out to dinner, she slept over and we spent the entire weekend together. At the end of the weekend, she said she loved me. She claimed it was accidental and that it slipped out, falling into old habits, but I think there was probably some truth to it. It seems to me that things like that don't just slip out. However, she says she doesn't want to date because her goal is to move back to her home state next year. I think she knows that I would happily move there with her, but she feels bad because I would have to quit my job (I make a great salary for a 24-year-old), but she means the world to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

She continues to say that she doesn't want to date and doesn't want to lead me on. We haven't talked since dinner last week, and I'm beginning to think that maybe I should let her go, but it is tough, having invested so much into this relationship, being so close, and possibly losing the love of my life in the end.

– Still a chance?, Boston


A: This stinks big time. But you're right -- it's time to cut her off. She's telling you she doesn't want to lead you on, and that's your answer. She's done.

You've invested a lot in this relationship, but that doesn't mean that she's the love of your life. The love of your life wouldn't accidentally tell you that she loves you and then take it back. I mean, you basically got her a job and helped her move here and then she shut you down.

I don't believe that she's been putting you off because she doesn't think you'd move for her. If that was the only issue in your way, it would have come up. The way I see it, she's at the point where she only gets close to you when she needs you. That's not enough.

Be done with this. Take that salary of yours and have some fun meeting new people.

Readers? Does he need to tell her that he'd move for her? Does she love him? Does he have to cut her off? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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