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Did I give up too soon?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 4, 2013 08:31 AM

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Q: I have been seeing the same person consistently for two months. There were immediate sparks, and the first six weeks we saw each other about three to four nights a week. He always asked me out for the next date on the current date, we would text back and forth throughout the day flirting, and if we were not together, we would talk on the phone at night. He was the initiator of this intense type of contact.

After those first six weeks, and for the past two weeks, his communication has completely changed. He doesn't ask the next time he can see me, he texts only once or twice every one or two days during the day, and we don't talk on the phone at night. Although this left me feeling uneasy, he was still in consistent contact, still asked me out, and we still spent time together -- it was just far less than the beginning, and this change was very worrisome to me. Instead of continuing to be uneasy I asked him what was going on. He told me none of his feelings have changed and that he continues to want to see me. I asked if his communication would go back to how it was, and he said no.

I ended it thereafter, because I don't want to invest myself in someone who thinks that type of minimal communication is acceptable. He was upset and wanted to keep dating but I stuck with my decision. We had a great connection and a lot in common, and I thought we were on our way to a great and serious relationship, until his communication changed so drastically (he maintains there is no reason why). Is it possible he thought that because we had gotten to know each other he felt more secure and didn't think he had to be in touch as much? Did I end it prematurely? Should I have waited it out?

I have heard from him multiple times via text since the breakup, but he hasn't said anything substantial.

– Wrong Decision, Boston


A: It seems to me that the level of contact and communication in this relationship went from too intense to kind of normal. You guys were really over the top during those first six weeks. That's a difficult schedule to maintain.

I'm not bothered by his need to slow down. But I'm annoyed that he couldn't explain his intentions. He could have said, "Hey, things were getting too intense and I just worry we're going to burn out. I need a more realistic schedule for dates and phone conversations." Did he really just give you a simple "no" when you asked him about communication? I don't like that you're left with so many questions.

Your gut is stuck on the fact that he offered "no reason why." And that's my issue too. If you're telling us everything, and he really couldn't clarify his needs, that's the real problem. This isn't about your desire for more attention, it's about your need to be with someone who can explain themselves.

Readers? Did she cut this off too soon? Does the change bother you? Or the lack of explanation? Should she be responding to these texts? What happens next? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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