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Has she really come around?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 15, 2013 08:15 AM

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I already miss Torey Krug.


Q: A year ago, I met this wonderful woman in my circle of friends and acquaintances. We all participate in the same sport. It's a good group of people and everyone knows everyone else. I was relatively new to the community and getting involved with it as I was coming out of a long marriage that ended amicably.

I'm 40 and this woman, "Angela" (a little older than me), and I would participate in group outings and we worked well together as a team. I knew that she had a boyfriend of a couple of years, although they're not married or living together, but we connected on a deeper level than just athletics and we shared stories and drinks and just good times. She was very hesitant at first to go further than conversation, but we eventually broke down and kissed for the first time. After that, I tried to maintain a certain distance because she's still involved, but I kept falling for her. Things escalated and we shared several encounters together and have had a couple of sleepovers. Before everyone goes nuclear and labels her as immoral and irresponsible, I (and ALL of her friends) would never have thought that she would be capable of cheating. It's clear to me that she's not 100 percent happy with her boyfriend or else I wouldn't be in the picture. That said, she's also didnít seem to be leaving him.

She would send me signals like she wanted me, but when push came to shove, she was with her boyfriend (not for financial reasons). I had hit the point where I felt like the fifth wheel but also felt that I had dug a hole that was just too big for me to climb out of.

She recently had a falling out with her ex and since then, we've been spending a lot of time together, and have been together for the past few weeks. We're in that stage of the relationship where we're just getting our bearings and integrating each other into our individual lives. It's odd but we technically haven't been together that long but we've known each other and we're comfortable with each other.

We're both old enough to know how to behave in a relationship. All in all, we're happy, both a little tentative at times, but we want to make it work. I'm really quite emotionally invested in her. Is this OK?

– Weary, West of Boston


A: I don't love that she was physical with you before ending things with her ex, but it happened and now you seem happy, so let's focus on the present.

My concern about your story is that she had a "falling out" with her ex, and I'm not quite sure what that means. Considering she cheated on him with you, are you sure that it's over between them? Can you get some clarity about his place in her life?

She doesn't sound like a great communicator, so you're going to have to push these issues. I just want you to make sure that your assumptions about what's happening here are correct. I hope they are ... but I'm not convinced. Please ask.

Readers? Should he start a relationship with someone who was wishy-washy? Is this woman capable of having a good relationship right now? Does age matter here? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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