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He picked her instead of me

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 12, 2013 08:24 AM

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As promised, we have some celebrity help for Love Letters this week. Boston Bruins Torey Krug and Matt Bartkowski were given three letters and worked together to come up with some advice. I think they did a pretty good job.


Q: A few months ago I started dating an old friend. We're both in our 30s. I went into it with a casual attitude since he had loose plans to move to another state next year, but we began to have serious feelings and had "the talk." He asked me not to see anyone else, but he had a little predicament for himself. By his description, he was in love with both me and his roommate (a previous ex-girlfriend and longstanding friend). According to him, the notable difference was that he was physically attracted to me but had no sexual feelings for her. He explicitly stated that they weren't sleeping together. Him loving her didn't bother me, so we were on.

Everything was so effortless. We were intimate to the point where I questioned if it was too much for me, but I figured if I was in, I was going to be all in. But a few months ago, it suddenly cooled down. He made a series of major promises that he didn't keep and wouldn't explain why, so my intensity lessened.

After two weeks with the AC on, he wanted to talk. I told him that I was only interested in doing this if he was right there with me. I needed to know I wasn't the only one making an effort. He apologized for not being there and told me he loved me. We had plans later that night, but he never showed and didn't answer my texts. The next day, I sent a third message just asking if he was OK, and he responded by telling me that we're over, he can't believe how I talked down to him (??), and that he's been with his roommate for months now.

He seems to want to stay politely distant. I still don't know what happened exactly, but I don't really need to. If they're happy together, I can be happy for them, but my benevolence stops there. When you're on the losing end of a love triangle, is there anything to do but walk away for good? He had to know that by choosing one of us he'd be losing the other. Didn't he?

– Ultimatum Aftermath, South Shore















A: I don't know whether he thought he'd lose you for good or whether he secretly intends to return to you whenever it suits him, but his game is over. You're gone. He can't be trusted and he clearly lied to you about his feelings for this longtime friend (something tells me that he's attracted to her enough to sleep with her).

There's no need for benevolence. All you have to do is make him go away. You can spend some energy mourning this, but please think of it as a lesson. If someone tells you that they're in love with someone else at the start of a relationship, you don't have to be OK with it. It's lovely that you were open-minded, but you deserve someone who's all in -- just for you.

Readers? Can you date someone who also loves someone else? What happened here? What happens on the losing end of a love triangle? Will he change his mind? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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