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I want her to get serious

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  November 11, 2013 07:52 AM

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On Veterans Day, a letter from someone who wants love after deployment ...


Q: Hi Meredith,

I read these things daily and like most admire from afar but decided it was my turn to air out some of my dirty laundry. So readers digest version: I am in my mid-30s and dating a girl in her late 20s for nearly six months. I have been married before and divorced due to infidelity (not me) while I was away on military deployment. Fairly devastating, but water under the bridge so to speak. It had been a while since I truly had any sort of feelings about someone. I have feelings for this new woman that I have not felt in a very, very long time -- maybe even ever.

Like most things in life, there is a give and take, and anything worth doing isn't easy right? I believe she is terribly scared of commitment. I can't even bring it up. Her previous relationship was no good; she dated an alcoholic go-no-where kind of guy. She says she loves me, but every time I bring up the next step, the war drums beat and we go nowhere, if not backwards. So I decided to take the pressure off and drop it completely for now. It does create some anxiety for me though. I do like stability, and right now I feel like our relationship hangs in the balance. We get along great, have fun with each other ... but we are not at the same spot.

So the question is ... how long does someone in this position wait? I have conceded for now that there will be no pressure. But I will at some point be more inclined to dig my heels in. To be clear, I am not talking about marriage. What I am talking about is a serious adult relationship where we can entertain the future.

– Commitment, Mass.


A: You say that you're not talking about marriage, so I have to wonder what she's resisting. Is it that she wants to see other people? Or is she simply focusing on the present?

This woman tells you that she loves you, so my guess is that she just wants to enjoy the status quo without thinking about the future. If that's the case, and she says it's too early to think big, that's OK. At five or six months, she's still getting to know you. Are you really sure that you want to have a serious adult relationship with her right now? Aren't you in the process of getting to know her too?

I want you to think about how you define "serious adult relationship" and about what you really need. I understand that you want answers and security, but sometimes we have to admit that we just don't know what should happen next. Sometimes we have to wait and see.

If she tells you that she's into you and isn't seeing other people, let this sit for another few months. At eight or nine months, your questions should be much easier to answer.

Readers? Is this too much too soon? Should she be able to talk about the future at five months? How should the letter writer define "serious adult relationship?" Is the LW's gut just saying something is off with this one? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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