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He lacks manners

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 16, 2014 08:57 AM

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About next week:

Even if you're just on the wait list to be at the Love Letters event on Tuesday, you can still come to the Emerald Lounge and party with us at the bar. You can sign up here, and just show up and be in the larger bar area.

I did pick winners for the free Huntington tickets for Wednesday, but you can still buy discounted tickets for the play and join us. There will be a talkback and prizes at the end, and it's a fantastic production and very sexy. I hope to see you there.


Q: Meredith,

I've been dating this guy for a few months now. We originally dated last year, but long distance was pulling us apart so we decided to break it off. We reconnected working at the same place this past fall, and our attraction and past led us to date again.

He really cares about me, and I know he tries so hard to make me happy. There are just a few things about him that are making me doubt us having a future together. He met my parents a few times, and the last time he was here, he didn't shake my dad's hand when he came or when he left. He met my friends and we were at a loud bar and told me he wanted to leave. I was saying good-bye to a friend and looked over to see he was gone. I talked to him about both these things and he defended himself saying he thought my dad was busy, and his ears really hurt so he had to leave the bar. I also told him I wish he would hold my hand more and open doors for me. And I think we don't have enough sex.

I realize I'm asking a lot from him, and we always end on a positive note. But I feel like I'm asking him to change a lot about himself. He's 28 and my family and friends don't think he'll change. For me, having manners is simply common courtesy. Do you think I'm asking too much from him? Is it worth it to keep bringing these topics up? He says he'll work on it but I'm not sure if he'll be the person I want him to be.

– Manners, NJ


A: Manners aren't such a big deal if his instinct is to be kind. Is he nice to your parents and friends? Does he ask questions and consider their feelings? He might show his interest in less traditional ways. I'd rather have a guy pay attention to the conversation than open a few doors.

That said, I’m not sure that you two are a match. You dropped in that random that sex comment at the end of paragraph two, and it seems like kind of a big deal, especially because you've only been dating for a few months. If you're not happy with your sex life now, you need to talk it through and figure out whether your expectations and desires are shared.

Give this some more time and pay attention to what bugs you and why. Don't think about whether he's doing what he should; focus on whether he cares for you and makes you happy.

Readers? Are the manners an issue? What about the bar story? And the sex? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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