Q: Dear Meredith,
Nine months ago, I met the man of my dreams in Boston. He is intelligent, kind, hysterical, charming, and he gets along with my family great. We click on everything, from TV shows to politics and family values.
I met him four months after he and his ex-fiance had ended things. He had said he wanted to take things slow, which I agreed to. I liked him too much to risk losing him. But before we knew it, we both fell in love. He couldn't believe it and neither could I ... but everything about us worked. After six months of dating, he asked if I'd be willing to move across the country with him. We discussed making such a huge move so early on in our relationship. We discussed the real possibility of it just not working out between us. We decided it was worth the risk, so we left.
After being here for several months, he's admitted that he hasn't been "in love" with me for a while. He says the spark is gone, and he doesn't feel the same electricity as he did in Boston. He admitted that he hasn't been single in a long time (like I mentioned, he was only single for a few months when we met). I'm deeply in love with him, so I agreed to give him his space. He deserves to know what he wants, to get the space that he needs.
Here's why I'm writing: I have no doubts about my feelings for him. I'm in love with him. I thought he was going to be the person I settled down with. He's been offered a job back east (not in Boston). It's an incredible job opportunity that he has to take. I fully support him in this change. However, he's asked that I go with him. He says that I'm his best friend, that even though he's not in love with me, he loves me deeply and wants me in his life. He's talked about getting a two bedroom apartment and moving forward as two best friends living this adventure together.
Am I crazy for going with him? I have put myself in the mindset that he will never want to be with me romantically again. If I can only have him in my life as a friend, then that's what I'll take. I feel like that's the safest way for me to look at this situation. I don't have any love for where I am now. My job is just that; it's not a career. I have no ties to the state, so why wouldn't I go with him? Can we live together as friends? Am I insane for even entertaining this?
What should I do?
– California by way of Boston
A: You may not move to another new city with this guy. Absolutely not. This man is asking for too much and offering very little.
It stinks that he couldn't live up to his own hype, but at least he's given you some honesty and an out. You must take care of yourself by staying where you are, moving home, or picking an entirely different city that you might enjoy on your own. Go live with a real friend, someone who never promised to be more.
You say that you'll take whatever you can get from this person, but imagine moving with him (again) and then watching him date. That would be pretty horrific, right? Make a plan that's best for you and let him move far, far away.
Readers? Any reason she should follow him? Should she stay where she is or move home? What's his deal? Discuss.
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Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.