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I don't want to scare him away

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 9, 2014 08:48 AM

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Love Letters has its 5th anniversary this month and we have two events to celebrate.
On Jan 21, we will gather at Emerald Lounge. There will be drinks and prizes. Our special guest for the night will be best-selling novelist J. Courtney Sullivan, whose book, "The Engagements," was just optioned by Reese Witherspoon. I wanted Courtney to come to this because she's from here, and her book takes a fascinating look at what we like to call "ring watch." We'll chat with her at 6 p.m. and then stay to party and talk. You must register for the event, just so we know you're coming. You'll sign up like you did for the Joseph Gordon-Levitt night. If you have any problems registering, email me at meregoldstein at gmail. Please come and drink and party.

On Jan. 22, our official anniversary, we'll have Love Letters night at The Huntington Theatre for its performance of "Venus in Fur," a very sexy play that is good for a night out with friends or a date. I'll do a talk-back after the show, and there will be prizes. You can buy discounted tickets for that night as a friend of LL, or you can try to win some. I'm giving away a bunch of pairs. Email me a creative paragraph about why you want to be at en erotic play on the 5th anniversary of Love Letters – put "FREE TICKETS" in the subject line and send your entry by tomorrow at 5 p.m. – and I will pick winners by Monday. Email to: meregoldstein at gmail.

And now a mess letter.


Q: Hi there! I met a guy roughly 1.5 years ago online, and we eventually went out and continued seeing each. We did have sex early on, but after not knowing our status for six months, I cut that part out, but he is still around.

I don't understand why because I'm not his girlfriend or anything but I'm pretty sure I'm just an option for him. He'll stand me up -- and no calls, no nothing. Then months later, he'll return. I really don't get the reason he keeps coming back if sexual stuff isn't involved.

Recently, I saw him and I asked if he was happy being single and if anything with us will ever happen. He answered that he gets freaked out when he starts to get attached.

Haven't heard from him since (oops), but have no doubt that he will be back. My question is, why does he come back if he doesn't want a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship and if there isn't sex involved? Also, how do I not freak him out about the relationship stuff when he returns? I want him to feel comfortable talking to me but also I want more with him relationship-wise, and I don't know how to let that be known without scaring him to death.

– Confused, Texas


A: He keeps you around because he likes to have a bullpen. He probably has a number of you waiting in the wings -- some for sex, some for comfort, some with potential for more.

You can either cut him off or be honest with him and accept that you might freak him out. Next time you hear from him, tell him, "I've thought about what you said, but I'm interesting in dating and maybe having a partner. If we can't date and enjoy ourselves, this isn't worth my time."

You've done a lot of worrying about his motivation and comfort level. It's exhausting, isn't it? Start worrying about yourself. Make a list of what you want from a guy and ditch the suitors who can't meet your needs.

Your letter doesn't explain why this man is such a prize. Something tells me he isn't.

Readers? Why does she want to keep him around? Why cut off the sex? Can two people have a healthy relationship after this history? Help.


– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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