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My husband says I don't have the qualities to raise children

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 14, 2014 08:01 AM

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Q: My husband of almost nine years told me a few months ago that he does not want to have children with me because he does not believe that I have the necessary qualities to raise our children. Further, he said that for the last three years, his feelings toward me have been more friendship than love. I still love him despite all that and I don't want to lose him. We got married when I was in my early 20s, just out of college, and since then my focus has been getting my career started rather than family/housekeeping. I have always been the breadwinner of the family and it is not as though he has not enjoyed the income I have earned. The intimacy has gone and now he treats me like a roommate. Do you think this marriage can be saved or is divorce the answer?

– Heartbroken, Cambridge


A: Couples counseling is the answer. Not because it'll save the marriage, but because it'll help you understand what needs to happen and why.

Tell your husband that you want to sit in a professional's office and talk about whether you can make each other happy. Just get him there and then discuss all of it -- his comments about parenting, your evolving priorities, and the fact that he apparently only likes you as a friend.

Something tells me that if you talk about this stuff in front of a third party, the answers will become clear and you'll know what to do. I understand that you love him, but you deserve to be with someone who sees your qualities and feels lucky to have you around. If your husband can't be that person, he shouldn't be your husband.

Readers? Can this marriage be saved? What do you think of his comments about her? Is this about professional jealousy? Housekeeping? Discuss.


– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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