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Thinking about his past

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  January 31, 2014 08:27 AM

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Q: Hi Meredith,

I have been married for 34 years to a man who had a past (married, divorce, and lived with someone). The person he lived with before me was into drugs and it was a very destructive relationship.

I know he was very upset about the breakup because I found a letter he had written to her where he is crying about how much he missed her and can't be without her. This has haunted me.

Well, I did what I know I shouldn't, and I went into Facebook and saw her page. She and her friends have been posting old pictures of her and my husband. This has made me really insecure. Specifically since my husband is always talking about the good old days he had.

I feel like I'm going crazy and am always questioning his past, wanting to know more. He just does not want to tell me anything about it.

What should I do?

– Present Living in the Past, NY


A: That "34 years" thing wasn't a typo, right? You've been married for 34 years ... and you're worried about some woman who bailed because the relationship was so destructive?

The past is fun to talk about and pictures always look cool, but you have to focus on the present. Do you have a happy marriage? Do you and your husband have experiences that result in your own cool pictures? That's the most important thing. If you're worried that there isn't enough bliss in the relationship, talk to him about that. Forget this woman.

And please, keep the correspondence in perspective. I'm pretty sure that I told my high school boyfriend that I missed him and couldn't be without him. I'm sure I felt that way at the time. Now I think he's really awesome, and I'm sure there are a lot of cool pics of us on Facebook, but that doesn't mean I think we'd make a good couple in the present (sorry, Kyle).

Stop Facebook stalking and think about the current state of your marriage. Your husband's former relationship is irrelevant.

Readers? Is she going crazy on Facebook because she's unhappy? How can she let go of his past? Help.

– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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