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Can't get over her

Posted by Meredith Goldstein  February 18, 2014 08:38 AM

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As I mentioned last week, I'm getting a lot of spam through our Love Letters entry form. Send your letters directly to meregoldstein at Gmail dot com to bypass the system. And if you sent a letter that didn't get posted, please resend to the Gmail address so I can see it.

Also, information about the Love Letters Romance Rumble screening will be posted tomorrow.

And make sure you read yesterday's advice from 826 Boston.


Q: Meredith,

I can't get over my First Love. We might as well refer to her as Voldemort because my friends swear I should never mention her name again. I am 24 now, and we broke up over three years ago. Yes, we started dating in high school. In total, we were on and off for almost four years.

Our last break up was actually my decision for once. I became suspicious that she was more interested in someone else and it turned out that I was right.

She has been with him ever since, and I think of her on a daily basis. I can't help it. If I were ever given the chance to ever be with her again, I would take it in a heartbeat. I have tried to date other girls since, but always seems to compare them to my ex.

I can't progress past the first few dates because of this. Anytime a girl is interested in me, I keep her at a distance. I eventually go on to tell them that I don't feel a connection.

My sister tells me I am too picky and should just try to "settle down."

– Will I ever get over her?, Boston


A: Well, your sister is wrong. You don't need to settle down. But you do need to remind yourself that no one wants to be with Voldemort. You're confusing grief and rejection with desire. You can be sad about the way things ended without wanting her back.

It's time to start thinking of her as your high school girlfriend. Because that's what she is -- your first love (lower case). She's an important part of your history, but she's not your end game. Keep going on dates and expanding your peer group so that you're exposed to new people on a regular basis. The bigger you make your world, the smaller she'll seem.

And for the record, your friends are right to limit the Voldemort talk. They should be there for you and listen, but they should also stop you from making your ex more important than she is. Sounds like they're doing a good job.

Readers? How can he get over this? Should he settle down? Is he making her more important than she is? Help.


– Meredith



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ABOUT LOVE LETTERS: Welcome to Love Letters, the place for love advice (giving and getting). Globe relationship columnist Meredith Goldstein and Boston.com readers are ready to take your letters and tell you what's what. Have a question? Click here to submit or email us at loveletters@boston.com.
Blogger Meredith Goldstein

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith at www.meredithgoldstein.netand on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.

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